How to deal with your toddler’s destructive behaviour

Children are not destructive for destructiveness’s sake says Johannesburg-based educational psychologist, Khatpagam (Kathy) Krishnan. “From a developmental perspective, toddlers and small children are very concrete, they are trying to establish what they can have power over, versus what they can’t,” she explains. “They’re explorative, they’re trying to understand how strong something is, it’s an experience of learning.”

“In my experience, most children are not trying to break things when they play. They’re probably expressing a feeling or state that they don’t have other names for or don’t know how to communicate. So, it’s not normative for children to be destructive, it’s normative that children will use destructive behaviour if they’re not feeling heard in other ways.”

Does my child’s destructive play indicate behaviour problems?

It’s one thing if you’re child is testing their strength or trying to get a reaction, it’s another if their destructive behaviour persists and begins to become problematic. A more deep-seated issue can be determined by gauging the child’s level of response following the event. “It’s linked to the level of concrete remorse the toddler or preschooler shows – whether there’s an apology and so on,” says Krishnan.

There could be various reasons for a lack of awareness of the gravity of what they’ve done. “It can be an indication of learning levels in that if a child can’t comprehend that what they’ve just done is destructive – it might suggest a lack of cognitive awareness,” Krishnan explains. “It might be because the child is defending against a possible negative behaviour that they might experience from the adults around them.”

“If that’s the norm and not the exception, then it’s indicative of the system they’re in, not being tolerant of aggression and potentially not allowing room for discovery of new things. But it also could be a way of trying to activate a response in another person, even if it’s negative attention.”

If the destructive behaviour is happening habitually, you need to establish whether the child can show respect and assign value to their possessions, she continues. “Since at this age, they’re very concrete, this will be determined by how those in their world are giving them space to value and to engage with things.”

ALSO READ: 7 ways to deal with toddler tantrums

Positive ways to deal with destructive behaviour

Rather than making our children feel bad or guilty about their behaviour, we need to clarify on a concrete level to ensure that they understand why the destruction of a certain item is problematic, using concepts like cause and effect. “It’s explaining that ‘this is a sharp edge, this can hurt you and now we can’t play with the toy’ and withstanding their frustration at the realisation that ‘I broke this and now I can’t play with it’,” Krishnan says.

Krishnan suggests having a “time in” rather than a “time out” when your child breaks something. If their behaviour is rooted in a certain feeling, for example being angry that they weren’t allowed that packet of sweets, we need to name that feeling for them and explain it to them as well as support them in withstanding that difficult feeling.

“Holding them and supporting them is not encouraging the behaviour, it’s rather trying to help them through a storm cloud,” Krishnan explains. “Then it’s about building that awareness of ‘look it’s broken’, but again from a very concrete perspective. It’s explaining that the wheels are off. So, when the child is frustrated that the car’s not moving, maybe it’s the first time that the child broke the toy. They’re not trying to break it, they’re trying to see: ‘why can’t it move the way I planned for it in my head’ because their fine motor, gross motor and brain coordination are still developing at a toddler age.”

Today’s preoccupation with technology, which very much extends to toddlers, also adds another dimension to destructive play, she continues. “In a technology-driven world, there’s instant gratification, a toy requires a dyadic relationship, so their expectation might be, ‘when I touch the screen, it answers me, when I touch the toy and bang it, it doesn’t’. The abstract concept of that is less spoken to.”

So, dealing with toddlers’ and preschoolers’ destructive behaviour, Krishnan says, is about:

• giving them more concrete awareness of what’s the same and what’s different
• clarifying what’s appropriate and what’s unsafe
• giving them time to withstand the disappointment without blaming or guilting them
• having some kind of established consequence for breaking or hurting things so that they learn that there will be an impact caused by their actions
• Not going to buy a replacement because the parent is feeling burdened that the child is disrupted by frustration

Parental responsibility

Parents also need to take responsibility for giving their children age-appropriate toys. They must ensure that they’re not putting the children (or the item) at risk by letting them play with products they may not yet know how to manage.

“You can’t give an expensive toy to a child that’s still learning how to use their muscles and expect them to own that responsibility,” says Krishnan. “If you’re buying an expensive iPad for instance and giving it to the child to play with without the proper safety measures in place, who owns that risk?”

“At three-years-old they’re very concrete. They’re still learning about gravity, they’re still learning that when they drop things, they don’t bounce back. So, contextualising toys to their developmental level is important.”

Parents must also be mindful of what relationship dynamics may be at play when their little ones are being destructive. Often sibling interactions coupled with how the child’s temperament impacts the associated dynamics is a major contributor.

“Reactivity to siblings and the frustration of having to navigate a sibling who’s older or might have more competence with the toy is something to consider,” Krishnan says. “If the child has a low threshold of frustration, they will get annoyed that their body can’t comprehend the same thing the sibling can. If a parent doesn’t mediate that, the consequence can be that the toddler loses confidence, or they’re motivated by the frustration, but not necessarily in a healthy way.”

Seek professional support if…

• The destructive behaviour is a dominant part of the relationship with a sibling or someone else and lasts up to six weeks and is adversely affecting this relationship
• If it is synonymous with all areas of their world
• If the behaviour is selective to one area of their world like home, but not school, it still needs intervention, but it might be more tempered in other environments and more amplified at home

NEXT READ: Worrying toddler behaviour: what’s normal & what’s not

Does your toddler show destructive behaviour? Tell us your tips in comments below.