Emotions have a language of their own. When children are taught more descriptive words to describe their feelings, they will be better equipped to understand them and communicate them to others. If we can identify specifically what we’re feeling & we are better able to do something about managing their big feelings. By Connection Coach, Mandy Herold.
Children feel emotions just as strongly—if not more—than adults, but they don’t always have the words or tools to express them. That’s why learning 5 tips for managing big feelings can be a lifeline for both parents and kids. Meltdowns, tears, or angry outbursts are often signs of a little person feeling overwhelmed.
Helping children recognise and navigate their big feelings builds emotional resilience and deeper connection. With the right support, they learn that all feelings are valid—and manageable. These 5 tips for managing big feelings offer simple, practical ways to support emotional regulation and calm.
How are you? How are you feeling? What’s up? So often when we are asked or ask this question to our kids, the tendency is to express feelings with just a few words, like “good,” “fine,” “busy,” or “okay.” Mandy Herold gives us some insights.
If you’re having trouble naming how you’re feeling, you are not alone! Most of us were not taught emotional literacy, and we don’t get much practice labelling our feelings in everyday life.
However, we’re fortunate to live in a time when research and neuroscience provide concrete evidence to support an idea many have long felt to be true: our relationship with our emotions shapes our brain, our potential for success and the health of all relationships.
Developing emotional literacy and regulating emotions aids a child’s mental health and also physical well-being, as they are inextricably linked.
Emotion drives cognition. We were emotional creatures before we were intellectual creatures. The intellect is the last part of our brain to develop. Our earliest experiences are emotional ones – we feel long before we think… and later on, our capacity to think clearly is very much dependent to our capacity to be in touch with our emotions.
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So when it comes to helping our children manage their big feelings there is an integral factor that is often overlooked… we as parents need to regulate our feelings before we can help our children manage theirs. Here’s how to do it:
1. Identify your triggers. In order to effectively manage reacting to your triggers, you need to first identity them… whining, eye rolling, being cheeky, sulking… the list goes on.
2. Name the feeling… name it to tame it . Start with: “You seem ______” then take your best educated guess at how they feel.We need to make friends with all our emotions, not just the ones we’re comfortable with. We must get comfortable with the discomfort of unpleasant emotions that leave us feeling unhinged.
3. Breathe. After you’ve named the feeling, you need to take a few deep breaths to calm those little ( and big) bodies and relax the nervous system. (If you can’t remember anything else – just breathe. Take a deep breath in and then a long slow exhale… and again and again… Active calming is a game changer!
4. Validate. The most important thing is for your children to see that you’re strong enough to hold all their feelings. This is counter-intuitive to how most of us were raised. Our parents’ generation were doing their best with the skills they had, generally viewing negative feelings (angry, sad, grumpy etc) as an inconvenience that had to be squashed or otherwise the child would be spoilt.
This is usually because their parents never gave them the tools to deal with their own uncomfortable emotions. “You’re allowed to feel angry, you’re not allowed to hurt yourself and others” offers a validation with a boundary that helps children to feel safe and seen.
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5. Stop taking it personally. It’s not about you! They say it’s difficult to read the instructions when you’re stuck inside the bottle. My mantra that I repeat to myself when I’m triggered is: “This is happening in front of me, not to me”
Managing and regulating emotions is not about suppressing them, controlling them, or conforming to someone else’s idea about what we should do or feel. It’s not just about calming down. We manage emotions so that we can think clearly, make the best decisions, form and maintain healthy relationships, and experience well-being.
Finally, extend grace, to yourself and then to your child – if children could manage their big feelings on their own, they would. Parenting small humans is certainly not for the faint hearted and just by showing up, you’re doing it!
Also read: Mental health in children
Resources:
Bailey, R. A. (2011) Managing Emotional Mayhem. Loving Guidance Inc.
Brackett, M. (2019). Permission to Feel. Quercus Publishing.
BabyYumYum Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) – 5 Tips for Managing Big Feelings in Young Children
Why do young children have such intense emotional outbursts?
Young children are still developing the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation. They often feel things very deeply, but lack the language and tools to express or manage those emotions in healthy ways.
What does “name it to tame it” mean?
This phrase refers to the practice of naming an emotion to help calm the brain. Labelling what your child is feeling (e.g. “You seem really frustrated”) helps them feel seen and understood, which makes it easier for them to process and regulate that emotion.
How can I help my child when I feel triggered myself?
Start by recognising your own emotional state. Take a few deep breaths before responding, and remind yourself that your child is having a hard time—not giving you one. Regulating your emotions first sets the tone for your child to do the same.
Isn’t validating a child’s feelings the same as encouraging bad behaviour?
Not at all. Validation means acknowledging a feeling, not approving of unkind or unsafe actions. Saying “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit” teaches that all emotions are acceptable, but not all behaviours are.
My child’s tantrums feel personal—how do I not take it to heart?
It helps to remember that your child’s behaviour is a reflection of their emotional development, not a personal attack. Repeat the reminder: “This is happening in front of me, not to me.” This mindset shift encourages patience and perspective.
How do I help my child become more emotionally literate?
Talk openly about emotions in everyday life. Use books, emotion cards, or even facial expression games to teach words like frustrated, disappointed, excited, or nervous. The more emotion words they know, the better they can express themselves.
What if my child shuts down or won’t talk about their feelings?
That’s okay—not all children are verbal processors. Offer quiet support, model emotional language in your own behaviour, and give them space. Try reconnecting later through play, drawing, or storytelling, which can feel safer and less direct.
Are big feelings in toddlers and young children normal?
Yes, it’s completely normal. Big feelings are part of healthy brain development. What matters most is not avoiding those feelings, but helping children learn to navigate them with connection, consistency, and guidance.
How do I know when to get professional help?
If your child’s emotional outbursts are frequent, extreme, or interfere with daily life (like eating, sleeping, or socialising), it might be helpful to consult a paediatrician, child psychologist or occupational therapist for support.
Is there a quick way to calm my child in the heat of the moment?
Yes – breathing together is one of the simplest ways to calm the nervous system. Try taking a few slow, deep breaths and invite your child to join in. Keep your voice calm and body language relaxed to help them co-regulate with you.
Disclaimer: This information is for educational purposes only and does not replace professional advice. If you are concerned about your child’s emotional development, please speak with a healthcare or mental health professional.
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