Pregnancy and motherhood are life-changing journeys filled with excitement and challenges. While most people mean well, certain comments can be unintentionally hurtful or frustrating. Knowing what not to say to a pregnant woman or new mum is essential for offering thoughtful support.
“You’re breastfeeding your newborn too much” and “Why are you running when you’re pregnant?” are some of the standout irritating things I heard when I was a new mom and pregnant, respectively.
I know people mean well and don’t intend to hurt with their comments or advice, but I believe that some things shouldn’t be said – and should either be left to a doctor (if it’s for more expert advice) or remain a thought bubble, i.e. never spoken out loud. It’s already a challenging, scary, unknown and exciting time without the “advice”, cautionary words, smug guidance and unhelpful anecdotes.
“It’s already a challenging, scary, unknown and exciting time without the ‘advice’, cautionary words, smug guidance and unhelpful anecdotes.”
If I had to write a guidebook on what not to say to a pregnant woman or new moms, here’s what it would look like.
Pregnant moms:
- You’re so small. Is the baby okay?
- Are you sure you’re not having twins?
- You’re going to give birth naturally, right?
- You really shouldn’t be doing/eating that.
- I did “x” in my pregnancy, and I think you should do it too.
- Sleep as much as you can because you won’t be sleeping for years to come!
- Is this your last baby?
- Aren’t you worried that you’re too old to have a child?
- Is all your weight gain healthy? What does your doctor say?
- Did you plan this pregnancy?
- It’s going to be very uncomfortable in the summer.
- All those night feeds in the middle of winter – poor you!
- Just wait… it gets so much harder from here.
- Can I feel your stomach?
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New moms
- Oh, my word – he’s huge!
- Is it a boy or a girl?
- All the crying must be so hard for you.
- He looks like a little alien!
- When I was a new mother, I used to do x, y and z, and had a much easier time than you are.
- Shame, you look exhausted.
- You’re breastfeeding, right?
- My baby starting sleeping through at five weeks.
- It must be so nice to be on maternity leave and not have to worry about anything.
- I was back in my normal jeans after two weeks.
- I’m so relieved I don’t have to go through this phase again.
- Shame, why is your baby bald?
- How much weight do you still need to lose?
- Are you planning for the next one yet?
- Is your baby in a routine yet?
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Also read:
The best life-changing advice for new moms – from other moms
Mom confessions: the ugly truth
FAQ’s on what not to say to a pregnant woman or new mom
What are some common phrases to avoid saying to a pregnant woman?
Avoid comments like “You’re huge!” or “Are you sure it’s not twins?” as these can be insensitive and make her feel self-conscious.
Is it inappropriate to ask a pregnant woman about her due date repeatedly?
Yes, constantly asking about the due date can feel stressful, especially if she is feeling anxious or overdue.
Why should I avoid giving unsolicited parenting advice to a new mum?
Unsolicited advice can feel overwhelming and imply that she’s not doing a good job. It’s best to offer support only if asked.
Is it okay to comment on a new mum’s appearance?
Avoid remarks about her body, such as weight loss or gain. Instead, focus on how well she’s doing or how lovely her baby is.
Why is asking about the baby’s sleep patterns unhelpful?
Questions like “Is the baby sleeping through the night yet?” can add pressure, as many newborns have unpredictable sleep schedules.
Should I avoid asking about a mum’s plans to return to work?
Yes, this can be a sensitive topic. It’s best to let her bring it up if she wants to discuss it.
Is it inappropriate to ask if a mum is breastfeeding?
Yes, this is a personal choice and can be a sensitive topic. It’s better not to ask unless she brings it up herself.
Why should I avoid saying “Enjoy every moment” to a new mum?
Although well-meaning, this phrase can feel dismissive of the challenges she may be facing, especially during difficult times.
What’s wrong with saying “You don’t look tired”?
It can come across as dismissive. Instead, offer support or ask how she’s feeling in a more genuine way.
How can I show support without saying something unhelpful?
Offer practical help, like cooking a meal or babysitting, and simply listen if she wants to talk. A kind gesture often speaks louder than words.
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