There are no set rules or guidelines to handle the death of a spouse. Everyone is going to deal with grief in a different way and nobody can tell you to stick to a certain schedule. However, I’m going to share what has been helpful for me going through this process. Written by Heather Step.
It’s been over five years since my husband passed away from a stroke. It’s an event that has affected everything in my life – from finances, work to even where I live. People may call me “strong” or “brave” but actually, it’s more about survival, and finding a new normal.
Losing your life partner is a horror I wouldn’t wish on anyone, but you can pick up the broken pieces and start creating new life in your own way and in your own time.
Dealing with the death of a life partner
1. Don’t make any huge decisions in the first year after the loss.
I can honestly say I wasn’t myself in 2019. I wasn’t mentally ok. Yes, I was functioning. I went to work every day and took care of my child. But I was a mess. The dots weren’t connecting. For me to make that decision to move cities immediately was too much. I spent that year sorting out the house and getting rid of stuff. And then, when I was ready, I made the decision to move from Joburg to PE to be closer to family. You might not have the luxury of time in other circumstances, but if you can, just postpone it.
2. Deal with the admin: Be warned: there is never ending paperwork!
- Find a good estates lawyer. Diane was wonderful. My husband had died without a will. It really was not a good situation. But she totally sorted everything out.
- Find a good accountant. This is for when you want to get your estate wound up so that you can get the money from your house out of SARS. What a process! It took years. But I had a very brave and persistent accountant who did not give up and kept going in the battle until I got my money.
- Make a list of all the debit orders that were coming off your husband’s account so that you can take them over or stop them. You are going to have to sit on the phone and compose emails to change ownership of all of this. But you will be so proud of yourself for taking charge of your life. You are also going to have to find all the passwords.
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3. Be there for your child. Children grieve in different ways. Here are my tips:
- Let them play. Nicky always had bath toys of different animals. The night after the funeral he played out a scenario where everyone died except the little donkey. And he had a funeral for them. My heart just broke because in all of this it left the little donkey so vulnerable, but he was expressing his emotions. Adults talk, children play. Give them toys to help them process what is going on.
- Be honest. Throughout the process of Brett being in hospital, as the onslaught of bad news continued to mount, I was very honest with him. I remember saying something along the lines of “when all these hospital visits stop”, and him asking when that was going to be and my saying “when dad dies.” And he accepted it. By that stage the months had taken their toll and I think we were all hoping and praying for an end to his misery.
- Keep routines in place. When such a huge change is happening, it helps to keep other things the same. I also think that is why I delayed moving, just to keep his school and our home the same for a while.
- Accept that you might go backwards, and that’s ok. When my mom left, after months of staying with us, Nicky needed to sleep with me for a bit. And that was ok. Keeping that safe place open is important.
4. Finding yourself again
During this time of upheaval, almost a year later, I organised a blogger get together. Maybe I wasn’t totally ready for it, but I enjoyed doing stuff like that and it was successful. One of the speakers, Dr Sindi van Zyl, herself a survivor of depression, (and now sadly passed on from Covid) said something that really resonated with me. She talked about people as if we are a bucket. If little stones hit us, we can recover easily. But if something really big happens to us, it leaves a big hole. And that’s when we become susceptible to other things to fill it up.
Probably the hardest thing to do is to admit that you are damaged. That something big has happened which you can’t just gloss over. You are going to need some help to patch up that bucket, or else you are going to fill it up with other things.
For me it was being out of touch with reality and creating my own world that was more tolerable to live in than what was real. Although it seemed very real to me. It went on for about nine months until I was able to sit down and talk to someone who really listened to me (the previous psychologist just didn’t acknowledge what I was going through). And once I could just talk about it, it lost its power, and I was able to take steps to move forward.
Another thing that I still do to fill the hole is work. But I think that work is a good distraction. My child brings joy into my life and it really lifts my mood every day to spend time with him. But it’s also important to make time to just relax and do things for me, like watch a favourite movie or program. Blogging and creating websites is also a passion project of mine that uplifts me.
Losing Brett wasn’t just about losing him, it was a place. I lost Johannesburg and my friends. I lost the community of bloggers and what I had been working on. I lost my job, which I loved. But I decided to teach online. I decided to create a virtual event which I really enjoyed. I made a plan.
Rebuilding your life after your partner has gone isn’t easy, but it can be done. I once did a lesson about how when an animal dies, it creates new life in the way the insects, plants and other animals feed off that place. It feels terrible at the time, but it’s also an opportunity for growth. Brett left me many things that we still use today, and I’m grateful for that. I’m also thankful that I had that time with him and that he gave me our son, which is the most precious gift of all.
Visit: How to raise resilient kids
5. Find support
The moment I totally cracked at the funeral was when I thanked my mom. This is because she has gone above and beyond when it has come to supporting us. I don’t have the words to thank her enough. She dropped everything to be with me for months during the time Brett was in hospital just to be there and help with Nicky as well. She continues to be that well of support, picking up Nicky every day from school while I work. I think I’d be completely lost without her.
Finding supportive friends is also crucial. I have a special one who I message all the time. It’s also helpful to find other people who are also going through what you are going through. I found many of the widow groups either too old or depressing, but I found a good one on Facebook which chronicles widows trying to date again, and I find it uplifting and supportive of new life.
6. Finding love again
I can’t give any advice here because I haven’t been successful in this area yet. I’ve come very close, but it didn’t work out. Trying to date again with a kid is another ball game altogether. Dealing with scammers, and weirdos is part and parcel of it.
But if you don’t try, you’ll never know. Most importantly, don’t let anyone tell you when you are ready. You are the one who has to decide this. Just know that you will have this need, so you’ll have to make an effort to try.
If all else fails you can get a cat! Mittens is a huge comfort in our family and he’s more reliable than any man!
In conclusion I will say: you won’t be the same person that you were before the loss. You won’t have the same life that you did. But you will build something beautiful on the remains of what you have. Give yourself time and patience to grieve, do the things you love to fill your cup, and take it all one step at a time.
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