The pivotal role fathers play in children's lives is multifaceted. There are profound disparities between actively engaged fathers and absentee ones. Why are dads so important? Read more about the difference between present fathers vs. deadbeat dads. By Antonella Dési.
The role of a father in a child’s life is profound, shaping their development, wellbeing, and future. Yet, not all fathers fulfil this role in the same way. Some are present, engaged, and supportive, while others are absent, neglectful, or indifferent. In South Africa, the present dad situation is dire. We chatted to various experts in the field to explore the stark differences between being a present father and a deadbeat dad.
Challenges faced by fathers
When it comes to fatherhood, South Africa’s statistics reflect a sad reality: according to the Human Sciences Research Council, over 60% of children in South Africa don’t live with their biological fathers. And only 20% have contact with their biological father twice a week. This is quite shocking. So why are so few fathers present in the upbringing of their children – there are many reasons, including work demands, financial pressures, cultural norms and societal expectations.
Siphesihle Ntuli, FAMSA WC social worker, elaborates: “Many South African fathers struggle with understanding the importance of their active presence in their children’s lives. This is rooted in the apartheid era, where men, especially in black families, worked in distant cities, leaving their families behind.
Consequently, many fathers today downplay the significance of being present, as they never experienced this themselves. Cultural practices, parental conflicts and the stigma attached to unemployed fathers further complicate their involvement in their children’s lives.”
Lereko Mfono, Co-ordinator for Heartlines initiative, Fathers Matter, says that the main culprit for absent fathers boils down to finances, and the lack of experience: “The biggest challenge is the role of finances. We found in our research that both men and women have the same perception that a man’s primary role as a father is to provide financially, and if he can’t financially provide, then he can’t be present.
The other challenges are parenting skills, most men do not have the practical skills necessary to parent, whether caregiving or even being able to bond on an emotional level, or assist with practical things like changing nappies or feeding.” The truth is that if a man had no father figure himself or role model, he has no clue how to be a present father.
What sets dads apart
Jaco van Schalkwyk, founder of The Character Company, an initiative aimed at addressing the impact of absent fathers in South Africa, says that a present father is actively involved in his children’s lives in a positive and nurturing manner – showing empathy, interest, and love. He listens, supports, and disciplines with consistency and care.
He continues: “Many people have a misconception about what it means to be a good father, which can make the role seem complicated. In my opinion, being a good father is straightforward: it’s about being present, showing up, and taking your responsibilities seriously. A good dad understands the importance and value of his children and knows that the best way to nurture and support them is by spending time with them and being there in any way he can.”
In contrast, a deadbeat dad is often absent, both physically and emotionally, neglecting his responsibilities and failing to provide support or guidance. So says Dr. Charley Pietersen, CEO and founder of Growing Up Without a Father SA Foundation, a non-profit organisation that assists fatherless children, and fosters unity among men across all races: “A ‘deadbeat dad’ can be defined as a form of child abandonment in which an absentee or non-resident father worsens his child’s living conditions by withholding his financial support, physical contact, and psychological, intellectual, and cultural tutelage. We call them runaway dads.”
The power of being present
A present father can have an enormously positive impact on a child’s development – it fosters emotional security, builds self-esteem, and promotes social competence. In fact, studies have shown that children with present fathers are exponentially more likely to thrive academically, emotionally, and socially, compared to those with absent or neglectful fathers.
Jaco explains: “There is a ton of research that shows that children with present fathers do better in school and are socially better adjusted. They also show that they will be less likely to end up in prison, taking their own lives, or addicted to drugs. It boils down to children being brought up in an environment where they can get to know themselves as they mature because they have grown up in a safe and loving environment.”
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How to be a better dad and a present father
For fathers wanting to be more present, finding a balance is key – prioritising time with your children, setting boundaries, and seeking support from family, friends, or community resources can help overcome challenges. Dr. Pietersen adds: “Make a conscious decision to be present. Your children don’t want presents, they need your presence. Make time for your children. Prioritise your busy schedule and put family first.”
Lereko confirms this by adding: “Finding ways to prioritise your children is essential – whether it is taking weekends off to spend quality time with them, arranging for shared custody if mother and father are not together as a couple anymore, or making sure you communicate with them as often as you can if you are away on business. Point is, fathers need to make sure that they are there and that their children can feel their presence.”
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Cultural change
Lereko adds that society and community can play a big role in supporting fathers by promoting a culture that values fatherhood and encourages active involvement: “Culture plays a great role in this conversation because one of the barriers our research identified is the cultural practice of Inhlawulo which is when a man impregnates a woman and there is a requirement placed upon the man to pay a fee for impregnating the woman out of wedlock.
Often the man may be unemployed and unable to pay this fee, and often the consequences of not paying becomes the family refusing the father access to the child. And so this perpetuates the belief that the man’s only role is to provide financially when it comes to children.”
Being a present father is a choice, one that requires commitment, effort, and love. The impact of a present father extends far beyond the individual child, shaping families, communities, and future generations. By recognising the importance of fatherhood and actively engaging in their children’s lives, fathers can make a profound and positive difference. Women also need to think more carefully about the type of man they want to procreate with and make a very informed decision about whether to fall pregnant or not.
Ntuli concludes: “The plight of absent fathers is a dire reality in the context of South Africa, where fatherhood is often viewed from a materialistic point of view. This stereotypes fathers as being cold, unemotional and distant beings. However, this is not true – the role of fathers is evolving, and today, there are many households run by fathers who are excellent caregivers, who run functional homes, and who are very responsible for their children’s emotional needs.”
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