Teaching your child appropriate boundaries

When I was a new and protective mom, the conundrum I faced was how to raise my daughters to say “no” to anyone who infringed on their personal space without turning them into rude, inflexible and paranoid little human beings.

It is tough in today’s world, teaching our kids about appropriate boundaries. Yes, it’s crucial for their safety and well-being, but how do we balance their boundaries with a carefree and happy childhood?

The Family Life Centre (www.familylife.co.za) social worker Belinda Gruenbaum says that teaching children to set boundaries most definitely helps protect them. It also “helps children to learn empathy, develop self-awareness, learn rules, be responsible, make good decisions, learn impulse control, learn about consequences and understand what is expected of them.”

However, she also suggests that there is a flipside when parents go overboard about putting too many boundaries in place. “A child still needs to have the freedom to be able to make mistakes and learn from them, they need to be allowed to exercise self-determination and to learn responsibility in various forms,” she says.

Without the freedom to learn, to make choices and to bear the consequences, whether positive or negative, children will end up being fearful and lacking in confidence. “Restricting them too much with boundaries may not enable them to learn the life and coping skills needed to navigate challenging situations when faced with them, as they grow older and mature into young adults,” says Gruenbaum.

So how do we teach our kids about putting appropriate boundaries in place while they navigate their world in a way that allows them to explore, learn and eventually become independent? We discuss practical and balanced ways we can help them have appropriate boundaries and still experience a carefree childhood.

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UNDERSTANDING BOUNDARIES

Boundaries could highlight our own personal limits and define how we interact with others. They are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and protecting ourselves from harm. Teaching children about boundaries involves helping them recognise their own comfort levels and communicate them effectively.

THE WARM VS. OVERLY FRIENDLY DICHOTOMY

Children, particularly girls, are often encouraged to be warm and friendly. While being kind is important, it’s equally important for our kids to understand that they are not obligated to be overly friendly or affectionate with strangers. You can teach this balance by:

Explaining personal space – Teach your child about personal space and the importance of respecting others’ boundaries as well as their own. Use simple concepts like “your bubble” to illustrate the idea.

Role-playing – Practice different scenarios where your child might need to assert their boundaries. Role-playing can help them feel more confident in saying no or expressing discomfort.

Teaching polite refusals – Equip your child with phrases they can use to politely decline unwanted attention or affection. For example, “No, thank you” or “I prefer not to be hugged.”

TEACHING ASSERTIVENESS

Being assertive is about expressing oneself confidently without being rude and aggressive. We can encourage assertiveness in our kids by:

Modelling assertive behaviour ourselves – Children learn by observing. If we show them how to be assertive by doing it in our own interactions with others, we are letting them know that it is acceptable to stand up for themselves.

Encouraging open communication – Create an environment where your child feels comfortable sharing their feelings and concerns. Validate their emotions and talk about appropriate ways they can express them.

Praising assertive actions – When your child asserts their boundaries, praise them. Positive reinforcement helps them feel good about standing up for themselves and constructive feedback will guide future interactions.

THE IMPORTANCE OF BALANCING BOUNDARIES

While boundaries protect our children, we also need to teach them that being kind and friendly is a good thing and can exist within the boundaries they set. As Gruenbaum says, “It is important that a parent explains the importance of being kind and respectful, but if something is done to a child that is intrusive or makes them feel uncomfortable, they must not be afraid to express their dislike politely but assertively.” 

Here’s how you can teach them to balance friendliness with self-preservation:

Empower them to say no – Emphasise that they may say no to anything that makes them uncomfortable, regardless of who is asking. Reinforce that their feelings and comfort are important.

Teach them to trust their instincts – Encourage your child to trust their gut feelings. If something feels off, they should remove themselves from the situation and seek help from a trusted adult.

Discuss situational appropriateness – Help your child understand context. For example, it’s okay to be friendly with classmates and teachers, but important to maintain caution with strangers.

TEACHING CHILDREN TO ASSERT THEIR BOUNDARIES

As a feminist mother raising daughters to have strong boundaries, I think while kindness is a valuable trait, girls should not feel obligated to be warm and nice to everyone at the expense of their own comfort and safety. It is much more important for children to learn to speak their mind and assert their boundaries. Here’s why:

Self-respect – Teaching girls to assert their boundaries cultivates self-respect and self-worth. They learn that their feelings matter and deserve respect.

Safety – Being overly nice to strangers can sometimes be misinterpreted and can lead to unsafe situations. Learning to be assertive helps our children to recognise and avoid potential dangers.

Confidence – Encouraging our young ones to express their thoughts and feelings builds their confidence. They grow up knowing they have a voice and the right to use it.

3 PRACTICAL TIPS FOR PARENTS TO TEACH YOUR CHILD APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES

1. Be consistent in your message

Reinforce the importance of boundaries regularly. Use everyday situations to discuss and practice boundary-setting.

2. Use literature and media

Use books, movies and TV shows that depict characters asserting their boundaries positively. Discuss these scenarios and their implications with your child.

3. Ask a professional – If your child struggles with boundary-setting, consider seeking advice from a child psychologist or counsellor.

We must teach our kids to put appropriate boundaries in place so that they can learn to protect themselves from stranger danger and to feel safe and confident in the process. However, in so doing this, we must also teach them about being assertive and polite rather than rude and nasty. Most importantly we should let them know that kindness exists even within the boundaries.

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