Sometimes it’s not obvious until you take a step back. These red flags you’re in an abusive relationship might start out subtle—controlling comments, isolation from friends, or constant criticism. But over time, they chip away at your confidence and independence. Knowing what to look for is the first step in protecting your safety and reclaiming your power. Written by The Warrior Project.
Whether you are already in a relationship or are starting a new one, it is important to be aware of the types of behaviours that are commonly observed in abusive partners. If the person you are in a relationship with shows some of these traits, it is important that you proceed with caution:
Red flags for abuse: common behaviour observed in abusive partners
- They move too fast in a new relationship.
- Jealousy. He or she wants you all to himself and doesn’t like you spending time with others – they may be trying to isolate you from your support network.
- Hypersensitivity. They may be easily offended or quick to react when they feel threatened.
- Blaming of others. People with abusive traits often see themselves as a victim.
- Entitlement. They feel they are deserving of special treatment, from you and others.
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- Controlling. They may want to control your movements and make decisions for you. They may even try to restrict your exercise of very ordinary adult rights or freedoms. This kind of behaviour is sometimes disguised as concern for your safety.
- Believes that he or she is superior to others – or at least acts superior.
- Deception and lying. For example, they may sabotage your efforts to use birth control. They may even try to convince you that your memory or interpretation of events is faulty.
- Doesn’t respect boundaries. This may refer to emotional or physical (including sexual) boundaries.
- Cruel or disrespectful to other people or animals.
- Has a history of abuse – abusers will usually deny this.
- Uses force during arguments.
- Manipulative. An abusive partner may convince you that you are to blame for the problems in your relationship, and may regularly accuse you of cheating on them.
Have you previously been an abusive relationship?
Research shows that people who have been in abusive relationships in the past (even as children) are more likely to find themselves in one again. These people should exercise special care when entering new relationships.
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Why do victims of abuse stay silent and protect their abusers?
There are a number of reasons that victims may not voice that they are being abused.
Denial. Denial happens when we refuse the notion that our situation is unhealthy and hold on to the dream that we bought into, hoping that the difficult parts will change. So we hush the alarm bells, distract ourselves and divert our thoughts. Once friends and family know a person is being abused, they may also put pressure on the victim to leave. 
Shame. One of the hallmarks of abusive relationships is that the victim is made to believe wholeheartedly that they are the cause of the problem, that they deserve the abuse, and that if they just changed themselves it would go away.
Love. Most abused people love (or once loved) their abuser. Staying silent is another way of protecting someone you love from potential legal action or reputational harm.
FAQs: Red Flags You’re in an Abusive Relationship
What are some early signs of an abusive relationship?
Early red flags can include excessive jealousy, constant criticism, controlling behaviour, isolating you from friends and family, and quick involvement or declarations of love.
Is abuse always physical?
No. Abuse can be emotional, verbal, psychological, financial or sexual. Many abusive relationships don’t involve physical violence but can still cause deep harm.
How can I tell if my partner is controlling?
If your partner constantly checks up on you, tells you what to wear, limits your time with others, or makes you feel guilty for having boundaries, these are signs of control.
What does emotional abuse look like?
Emotional abuse includes insults, put-downs, threats, manipulation, gaslighting (making you doubt your reality), and making you feel worthless or afraid to speak up.
Can financial control be a form of abuse?
Yes. If your partner controls all money, restricts your access to funds, or makes you justify every expense, that’s a form of financial abuse.
Is it abuse if they only hurt me when they’re angry or drunk?
Yes. Being under the influence is never an excuse. Abuse is abuse, regardless of when or how it happens.
What is gaslighting and how does it show up in relationships?
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where your partner denies your experiences, makes you question your memory or reality, and tries to shift blame.
Can someone be abusive even if they haven’t hit me?
Absolutely. Many victims experience abuse without ever being hit. Verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse can be just as damaging as physical violence.
How do I know if I’m in danger?
If you feel afraid, threatened, or like you’re walking on eggshells, those are serious warning signs. Any threats to your safety or the safety of others should be taken very seriously.
What should I do if I think I’m in an abusive relationship?
Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, counsellor or support organisation. You don’t have to go through it alone—help is available, and there is a way out.
Can abusive partners change?
Some may seek help and change over time, but it is not your responsibility to fix or wait for them to change. Your safety and wellbeing come first.
Where can I go for help?
In South Africa, contact organisations like LifeLine, People Opposing Women Abuse (POWA), or the Gender-Based Violence Command Centre (GBVCC) at 0800 428 428. In emergencies, always call 10111
Disclaimer: This information is intended for general awareness and support. If you are experiencing abuse, please seek help from a qualified professional, support organisation, or law enforcement. Your safety is the priority.
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