Narcissistic Partners: Love Bombs and Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore

Navigating relationships can be tricky, and when it comes to understanding if your partner is a narcissist, the waters can get even murkier. Narcissism isn’t just about someone who loves their reflection; it’s a complex personality trait that can significantly impact your relationship. Says Simon Dippenaar from Simon Dippenaar & Associates: “Narcissists are often popular and successful. They come across as genial and attractive. They are very concerned with appearance – both theirs and that of those around them – so they often attract good-looking partners. The narcissist enjoys having a partner who makes them look good. To the outside world, the two look like the dream couple. But the reality is different.”

“Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition characterised by an inflated sense of self-importance (sometimes called grandiosity), a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. As with many personality disorders, there is no clinical test for it. Psychiatrists and psychologists look at personality traits, behaviour, and attitudes when making a diagnosis of NPD. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) – the ‘bible’ of mental disorder classifications in the US and one that is used widely around the world by health professionals – states that an individual does not have to display all the characteristics associated with narcissism to be considered a narcissist,” explains Dippenaar.

He goes on to add that a person only needs to exhibit 55% of the identified characteristics to be given a diagnosis of NPD: “According to Dr Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist who specialises in narcissism, the difference between NPD and narcissism is technical. In psychiatric terms, a trait is classed as a disorder if the person is suffering impairment or distress due to their symptoms. But many narcissists have no impairment – they are very successful. Narcissism is a trait, not a disorder. The people whose lives are impaired or who suffer distress are the people who experience narcissistic abuse, not the narcissists themselves. According to Dr Durvasula, true NPD is present in around 1-5% of people. However, narcissism as a trait affects a much greater percentage of the population.”

The main signs of a narcissist

Clinical psychologist, Dr Giada Del Fabbro, says that normal challenges in a relationship include the occasional disagreements and arguments, periods of needing either more space or attention, and working through insecurities together. Conversely, Dr Del Fabbro lists the typical signs of narcissistic relations:

• Constant criticism and belittling
• Extreme possessiveness and jealousy
• Frequent gaslighting (making their partner question their reality)
• Difficulty taking responsibility for mistakes
• Cycle of idealisation-devaluation-discard (intense initial love followed by negativity and potential break-up)

Are  you in a relationship with a narcissist?

Here’s how to recognise the signs and take steps to protect yourself.

• The charm offensive: At the beginning of the relationship, a narcissistic partner may seem like a dream come true. They’re often incredibly charming, showering you with compliments, gifts and attention. This phase, known as love bombing, is designed to make you feel special and valued, setting the stage for later manipulation.
• The need for admiration: One of the hallmarks of narcissism is an excessive need for admiration. If your partner constantly seeks validation and praise, it may be more than just a desire for acknowledgment. They might dominate conversations, steer every topic back to themselves, and become upset or dismissive if they’re not the centre of attention.
• Lack of empathy: Empathy is crucial in a healthy relationship. Narcissistic individuals often struggle with understanding or caring about others’ feelings. If your partner seems indifferent to your emotions or the emotions of others, consistently brushes off your concerns, or only shows interest when it benefits them, this lack of empathy can be a significant red flag.
• Grandiosity: Does your partner have an inflated sense of their own importance? Do they believe they are uniquely talented or special, deserving of recognition and privileges above others? Grandiosity is a key trait of narcissism. They might constantly talk about their achievements, real or exaggerated, and belittle others to maintain their sense of superiority.
• Manipulative behaviours: Manipulation is a common tactic used by narcissists to control their partners. This can manifest as guilt-tripping, gaslighting (making you doubt your reality), or creating situations where you feel you must always please them. These behaviours erode your self-esteem and make you more dependent on them for validation.
• Entitlement: A sense of entitlement is another classic sign. Narcissistic partners often believe they deserve special treatment and may become angry or impatient when things don’t go their way. This entitlement can extend to expecting you to prioritise their needs above your own, leading to an imbalanced and unhealthy relationship dynamic.
• Exploitative nature: Narcissists often exploit others without guilt or shame. If your partner takes advantage of your kindness, resources, or time without reciprocating, this exploitative behaviours can be a sign of deeper issues. They might also exploit situations to make themselves look better, even at the expense of your well-being.

How to protect yourself

If you recognise these signs in your partner, it’s essential to protect yourself. Here are a few steps to consider:

• Set boundaries: Clearly define what behaviours are unacceptable and stick to these boundaries. Narcissists often push limits, so standing firm is crucial.
• Seek support: Talking to friends, family, or a therapist can provide you with the perspective and strength you need. A support system helps you navigate the emotional complexities of dealing with a narcissistic partner. Says narcissistic abuse recovery and restoration coach from courage2change, Penny Hennings: “So many people are in abusive relationships, and no one understands what they’re being subjected to nor how devastating it is unless they have experienced this insidious form of abuse themselves. This is why it’s so important to provide a platform where they can with people who understand when they share their stories. We have FREE WhatsApp support groups they can join, as well as monthly meetings held in Johannesburg, Cape Town, KZN, Pietermaritzburg, and Gqeberha. You can visit our website to join. A short screening test is required to be done by prospective members to ensure that our platforms are always a safe place to share one’s difficulties.”
• Prioritise self-care: Ensure you take time for yourself, says Dr Del Fabbro: “Engage in activities that boost your self-esteem and reinforce your sense of self-worth. Practice self-care and forgiveness for staying in the relationship. Focus on building healthy new relationships.”
• Evaluate the relationship: Consider whether the relationship is healthy for you. Sometimes, the best step may be to distance yourself or end the relationship, especially if your wellbeing is at risk.
• Educate yourself: Understanding narcissism can help you better recognise manipulative behaviours and protect your emotional health. Numerous resources are available, from books to online forums, where you can learn more about this personality trait.

While recognising that your partner may be a narcissist can be distressing, it’s crucial to prioritise your emotional and mental wellbeing. Relationships should be a source of support and joy, not manipulation and stress. By understanding the signs and taking proactive steps, you can navigate this challenging situation with confidence and clarity. Remember, you deserve a relationship where love, respect and empathy are mutual.

ASLO READ: Creating boundaries: safeguarding your mental health as a mom