My teen has a drinking problem

My intelligent, sweet, diligent and introverted daughter drank her first bottle of Vodka at the tender age of 14 and I had no clue. She was an A student, top of her class, a homebody of note. Nose in her books. Talented. By the age of 16 she was silently drinking Vodka alone in her room and hiding the evidence. Still, I did not know.

In her early teens, my daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and a mood disorder. She was prescribed meds and did time in therapy. She seemed to stabilise with the odd bump in the road here and there. I was relieved that she had learnt new coping skills. Drowning her problems in a bottle of Vodka, it just never occurred to me.   

We had sensible discussions around the fact that alcoholism and drug addiction run in our family and that her ADHD diagnosis put her at an even higher risk of becoming an addict. We discussed how she would always need to keep this in mind through her life. We had open conversations.

Individuals diagnosed with ADHD tend to begin using alcohol and other substances at a younger age compared to the general population.¹ While the exact reasons remain uncertain, research suggests this behaviour may be an attempt to self-medicate.

UNCOVERING AN ADDICTION

On an arbitrary weekend, while my daughter was out, I went into her bedroom to look for something as mundane as a plug adapter. As I pulled it out of the socket, I knocked over an old school bag sitting quietly unnoticed in the corner of her room. The bag made a clunking sound. Glass bottles. My heart sank. My mother gut knew even before I looked. What I found was various empty and half empty Vodka bottles.

As a family, we have always respected each other’s privacy so the decision to look through her belongings for more evidence, to keep unearthing her well-kept secret, was a tough one. I felt sick uncovering empty Vodka bottles under her bed, in her drawers, under her clothes. It dawned on me then; my gentle homebody of a kid had secretly developed a very serious drinking problem.

I sat on her floor for a moment, bottles in front of me. I couldn’t move. I felt everything fall apart. What next? I called for my husband, her dad. Instinctively I knew this was something we would need to act on together.

TAKING ACTION

I blamed our parenting. What did we do to cause this? I spent ridiculous amounts of time trying to come to grips with why my lovely girl was destroying herself in copious amounts of Vodka. It left me exhausted and drained of all energy. One of my biggest lessons was realising that blaming myself and looking for the why was a big waste of time.

Here are some of the important things I learned while helping save my kid from a disease that threatened to swallow her whole:

1. Alcoholism isn’t a choice – It is a chronic brain disease that causes people to drink compulsively and relapse.
2. It does not discriminate – Your teen may not fit the typical mould of someone who “looks and behaves like an addict” but that doesn’t mean she isn’t one.
3. You are not a bad parent – It doesn’t matter how great your parenting skills are; your teen may still develop a drinking problem so don’t use up energy blaming yourself, help her instead.
4. Learn to let go – Once in recovery your teen may relapse and relapse again. This is part of the journey they need to go through to heal. You cannot control this process. You can only be there to hold them and support them through it.
5. Stand strong – They will lie to your face and manipulate your feelings to get what they want (alcohol). They may do or say unspeakable things. Put very firm boundaries in place. Don’t accept disrespect, but keep loving them fiercely all the same.
6. One treatment doesn’t fit all – During her recovery my kid tried various ways to quit drinking. She went to counselling, she saw a therapist, she cushioned herself at home but in the end, it was finding the right sponsor at her AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings that worked best for her.
7. Embrace vulnerability – It’s okay to rage and cry. It’s also okay to let your teen know how you are feeling, to speak your mind, and have honest heart to hearts. I found that being vulnerable created a safe space for my daughter to talk about her own stuff.
8. Leave your judgement at the door – At times this will be really difficult but do it nevertheless and choose to celebrate the forward steps instead.
9. Support for the family – Alcoholism will take its toll on the whole family. Get support via a therapist or go to Al Anon meetings (offered by the AA and are free). Speak to other parents going through a similar crisis.
10. There is light – There will be many dark and messy days. There will be situations when all you want to do is weep for your precious child. Hug them and hold them tight instead. Recovery will come and with it the light.

A WORD FROM THE EXPERT ABOUT A DRINKING PROBLEM

Jennifer Papers, who was previously an addiction therapist at SANCA and is currently a family therapist and CEO of the Family Life Centre (www.familylife.co.za) says, “It is important for parents to jump into action immediately should they suspect their teen has a drinking problem. Speaking to an expert substance abuse therapist can prevent the risk of long-term addiction and can save a life.”

The most important thing we can do as parents to lower the risk of our teens developing a drinking problem is to communicate openly with them (no lecturing) and educate them about the dangers of drinking alcohol. “Check in with your teen regularly and do mandatory drop-offs and pick-ups when they are out socialising to make sure they are being safe,” she says.

So, how do you know your teen may have a drinking problem?

• Out of control behaviour with no regard for respect and rules.
• The need to be away from home all the time and at “friends” more than usual.
• They may neglect eating over the need to consume alcohol.
• Rapid weight loss, blood shot eyes, shaky hands, lack in grooming and hygiene.
• Their sleeping habits may change – they are always tired and have little energy.
• They cannot control their drinking.
• Their performance at school drops.
• Isolating themselves from family – staying out with new friends who share their addiction or staying in their room more often.

LIGHT AT THE END OF A DARK TUNNEL

When you read this our 21-year-old daughter will be almost one year clean and sober. She takes her weekly AA meetings very seriously and checks in with her sponsor (a lovely young woman who travelled a similar road) almost daily. She celebrated her 21^st birthday booze-free. We are witnessing the return of our daughter, a healthier young woman, moving into the light. 

Resources:

SANCA – ww.sancanational.info

Alcoholics Anonymous South Africa – www.aasouthafrica.org.za

The Family Life Centre – www.familylife.co.za

Reference:

1. Rohner H, Gaspar N, Philipsen A, Schulze M. Prevalence of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) among Substance Use Disorder (SUD) Populations: Meta-Analysis. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2023 Jan 10;20(2):1275. doi:10.3390/ijerph20021275.