Every parent knows the dread of impending toddler tantrums. Those moments can feel overwhelming, but the best advice I ever got transformed how I handle them. It wasn’t just about calming my child—it was about staying calm myself and understanding the root of their emotions. Written by Jessica Baxter, Real Home Truths.
I spent last night sleeping in the toddler bed. In fact, I’ve been spending most nights in the toddler bed ever since my daughter started coming through to our room in the middle of the night. As with most kids, she climbs into bed, knocking her knee and elbow into my ribs in the process, and proceeds to splay herself out across the bed like a starfish. As the nursery rhyme goes, “there were three in the bed and the little one said, roll over…” Well, that’s exactly what I did and have continued to do. Roll over and make my way to her room.
Lying in her bed while my son talked to himself in his sleep in the bed next to me, it struck me that despite making it through those tough, sleepless nights when my children were babies, I am right back in the trenches. How did this happen?
I remember when my kids were really small, how excited I was by the prospect of one day getting a full night’s sleep. I always imagined it would be when they were toddlers. Yet here I am, with two toddlers who still don’t sleep through.
Perhaps what makes it worse is that my daughter, who turns five next month, has always been the good sleeper and until recently has not had a problem sleeping through the night in her bed. Now, she’s seemingly cottoned on to her brother’s midnight meanderings to Mom and Dad’s room – yes, he’s due to sneak out of the room shortly – and has decided it’s a grand idea.
ALSO READ: Why toddlers have tantrums, how to avoid them & discipline techniques
As luck would have it, as I sat on a flight back from Joburg, pondering my parenting style and where I might have gone wrong, I struck up a conversation with the lovely woman next to me who just so happened to be somewhat of a parenting pro. Well, she has two grown-up children, but anyone who can get their kids through school and varsity and out into the real world while retaining some semblance of sanity is a pro in my books!
“So, armed with renewed confidence to raise my kids right, I am trialling this four-step programme as I like to call it, and I am optimistic that if I stick to my guns, I might just find my way back out of the trenches…”
As she told me about her two children, both in their 20s and starting their careers, she asked if I had a family. Yes, two toddlers. Most probably hearing the exhaustion in my voice, she said: “It gets easier”. I’m pretty sure she sensed my scepticism.
“I’ve been telling myself that for five years.”
But she did go on to give some sage advice when I chewed her ear off about my daughter’s new night-time habit and how all my attempts at bribery and incentivisation had failed. But have I put it to her in a way she can understand, my seat neighbour asked?
“Yes,” I said. I made it clear if she sleeps through the night in her bed for one week, she can get a Barbie. Apparently, that is not speaking her language. What does one week mean to a child, she asked. Five sleeps on the other hand… good point. Feeling like I had struck gold, I asked her for more advice, particularly about managing toddler tantrums.
For every “no” your child gives you, explain that you get one “no” that you can use at any time. Genius! You’re saying no to bath time? Okay, then I get to bank a “no” to use at my discretion.
The secret to success, however, is being consistent, she said. I have to admit I am not always good at this. Sometimes when you’re really tired, or your kids’ heartsore cries when you put down your foot turn you into mush, it’s just so much easier to give in. Is it, right? Definitely not!
And now I realise that it might be what they want you to do at that moment, but it’s not what they need. Which brings me to tip number four. Set boundaries and stick to them. Children might resist at first and push back but, ultimately, they cry out for boundaries. As the stranger in seat 4F so eloquently put it, without boundaries children feel vulnerable.
So, armed with renewed confidence to raise my kids right, I am trialling this four-step programme as I like to call it, and I’m optimistic that if I stick to my guns, I might just find my way back out of the trenches… until the teenage years arrive, that is.
ALSO CHECK OUT: 7 ways to deal with toddler tantrums
BabyYumYum FAQ’s on Toddler Tantrums
What causes toddler tantrums?
Tantrums are often triggered by a toddler’s frustration, fatigue, hunger, or a need for attention. At this stage, toddlers are learning to manage their emotions, but lack the ability to express themselves verbally.
How can I prevent tantrums in toddlers?
Anticipating potential triggers, maintaining a consistent routine, offering choices to empower your toddler, and ensuring they have enough rest and food can help prevent tantrums.
Is it normal for toddlers to have tantrums?
Yes, tantrums are a normal part of toddler development. They occur as toddlers begin to assert their independence and struggle with managing emotions.
What should I do during a tantrum?
Stay calm, avoid yelling or reacting angrily, and offer comfort. Validate your child’s feelings, but keep boundaries clear. Sometimes, simply ignoring the tantrum helps to de-escalate it.
Should I give in to my toddler’s demands during a tantrum?
It’s important to stay firm. Giving in can reinforce the behaviour, while maintaining your boundaries helps teach your toddler about appropriate responses and limits.
How can I calm my toddler during a tantrum?
Use soothing techniques like speaking softly, offering a comforting object or cuddle, or distracting them with a different activity. Ensuring they feel safe and heard is key.
How long do toddler tantrums last?
Tantrums typically last from a few seconds to several minutes. They may last longer if the child is overstimulated or deeply frustrated.
What can I do after a tantrum?
After the tantrum, when your toddler is calm, talk about what happened. Help them understand their feelings and teach more appropriate ways to express them in the future.
How can I avoid public tantrums?
Distraction, setting expectations before leaving home, and ensuring your toddler isn’t overtired or hungry can reduce the likelihood of public tantrums.
Is it okay to discipline a toddler during a tantrum?
At the peak of a tantrum, toddlers are often unable to process discipline. It’s better to focus on calming them down first, then address the behaviour once they’ve settled.
Should I be concerned if my toddler’s tantrums are frequent or severe?
If tantrums seem excessive, are accompanied by violent behaviour, or cause harm, it may be a good idea to consult a paediatrician or child psychologist for advice and support.
How can I teach my toddler to manage their emotions?
Model calm behaviour, teach words for feelings, validate their emotions, and help them develop coping mechanisms like deep breathing or using words to express needs and frustrations.
You may also like
Reading Time: 3 minutesGetting your toddler to go to bed without a fight can be a struggle and, in some cases, an all out war. …
