Separation Anxiety: Helping Kids and Parents Start the Year Confident

The start of a new school year brings lots of excitement, but it also brings some anxiety. Parents and children may be anxious about the first few days and how they will cope with the separation.

Separation anxiety doesn’t only occur with children going to creche or big school. Separation anxiety can and does happen even when Mom goes to the supermarket or the parents go out on a date night. In truth, separation anxiety is a very normal part of development as children learn that the caregiver will come back and that they are safe with the adult left in charge.

What is separation anxiety?

I love the fact that children and adults instinctively play games that encourage development. Have you watched the expression on the face of a child as young as six months playing “peekaboo”? It is the most delightful game. The child shrieks with delight and it keeps the adult engaged for ages. The adult is teaching the child “object permanence”. This means that an object still exists even when you can’t see it. Do you see the connection? Your baby needs to know that even when you leave and are out of sight, you still exist and you are coming back.

By definition, separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage for infants and toddlers. It typically starts around eight months and peaks between 10 and 18 months. It can be triggered by a child beginning to understand that they are separate from their caregiver, but not yet understanding the concept of “object permanence”.

By the time a child is two or three years old, this intense separation anxiety fades, and your child is confident enough to know that you are coming back.

Separation anxiety can recur in times of change, like a new home, the birth of a sibling or a new school. It is a transition period. This experience is usually short-lived lived and the child settles as soon as they feel secure.

How can I help my child with separation anxiety?

Manage your guilt trip– I see this often. Parents get distressed because they have to go to work. This is the world we live in. This doesn’t make you a bad parent; it is usually a necessity. Be secure in your decision about the care your child is receiving. Trust the carers and your child will too.
Trust yourself– Any parent reading this blog is a concerned parent. If you are leaving your child, I am certain that you have checked out where and with whom you are leaving your most precious possession. They are safe. Display that in your behaviour. Don’t hesitate or cry. Save that for when you are back in the car.
Distraction– I am in favour of distraction in many situations. It is a powerful tool. In psychology, they call it the 3 3 3 rule. An example could be to ask your child to name three children already at school or three activities they think they will do today. You are teaching mindfulness by taking the focus off worry and onto something else.
Keep your goodbye short and confident– Teachers are used to dealing with meltdowns. If you linger, it sends confusing messages. Say goodbye and leave. You know your child is safe.
Create a quick ritual– Unpack the bag. See which other children are already at school. Give a big squeeze and say, “Have a fun day”. Your child will believe you.
Acknowledge your child’s feelings and make sure to tie your return to their routine– “Sweetheart, I know that you don’t want me to go, but you have friends to play with, and Mama needs to go to a meeting. I will be back right after nap time”. Small children don’t have a concept of time. Whether you have left to go to the toilet or you have gone to work for the day, you are still out of the room. If they know you will return at a specific moment, they will adapt to the routine.
Don’t sneak out – Grannies love this one – “Hurry, leave before she knows you are gone”. No! Your child needs to know that you are leaving and that you will return.
Keep the routine consistent– As stated above, you need to be consistent. That helps your child feel secure. “My person said goodbye, see you after nap” That’s exactly what you need to do. No variation. Hold to your side of the bargain and your child will navigate the separation.

Does separation anxiety look the same in every age group?

Separation anxiety may present differently depending on the age of the child. Sometimes their behaviour just seems out of sorts and we may forget that this is separation anxiety and not anything more dramatic like being bullied at school or being unhappy.

8 months to 18 months– Baby usually cries hysterically when you leave the room or raises those little arms to be picked up if you put them down to play.

Toddlers and preschoolers (2 to 5 years)– These children struggle with drop-off. It could be at school, a playdate or a sleepover with Granny. Often, anticipation triggers clinginess or tears. The child will quickly settle once a distraction is presented. My granddaughter loves to feed the fish or add seed to the birdfeeder. This is her little 3 3 3. Get the food, open the lid, feed the fish. It gives her something to do the minute she gets to our house, so that the goodbye isn’t traumatic. If your child suddenly needs a different sleep routine, then consider that there may be some separation anxiety at play.

School-aged children (5 to 12 years)– Separation anxiety is difficult to navigate in this age group. As they progress through school, they do need to participate in school outings, camps and sporting events. My daughter struggled terribly from Grade 6. Before that, she had been happy to go on school camps. The change came in when she lost a close friend. Suddenly, she became acutely aware that you can’t predict accidents, and so her fear of being away from us grew. The school was amazing. Yes, she did have to go to camp, but each night she could use the teacher’s cell phone to say goodnight. The routine of checking in and the teacher’s honoured promise gave her the security she needed. Other children may display other symptoms like a sore tummy or headaches, especially at the start of a school week.

When does separation anxiety become an issue?

As the saying goes, “everything in moderation”. There are instances when parents need to be aware that the level of anxiety or the duration of the meltdown is extreme. There is a condition known as SAD, separation anxiety disorder. The intensity and persistence of the anxiety impact daily life. These children refuse to go on playdates, find it difficult to concentrate at school, or may message repeatedly. They are fearful that something bad will happen to their family while they are not around. No amount of reassurance or distraction seems to help. If you are worried about your child, then it is important that you get an accurate diagnosis of whether this is just normal behaviour or a disorder.

Some treatments are highly successful in addressing seasonal affective disorder (SAD). These include cognitive behavioural therapy, exposure therapy and family-based interventions.

Conclusion

Separation anxiety is mostly a normal part of development. Regardless of age, manage the anxiety by acknowledging feelings, being consistent and having a routine. Remember, this too shall pass. Your child will adapt to school or the new environment and grow up safe and secure.