Real life story: My traumatic birth experience & postnatal depression. Becoming a mother is supposed to be one of the happiest moments of life, but for me, it was filled with fear, pain, and unexpected challenges. My birth experience was traumatic, and soon after, I found myself battling postnatal depression. The emotional and physical toll of the experience affected every aspect of my life, but through sharing my story, I hope to help others who may be going through the same. In this post, I’ll talk openly about the struggles and the recovery process, and what I’ve learned about myself as a mother.
“It was the scariest five minutes of my life. I went into the hospital at 37 weeks pregnant because I felt slight pain in my stomach. Being 25 years old and having my first child, the words that followed changed my world forever. ‘We need to do an emergency C-section, and we need to do it now because two lives are on the line’. An EEG showed that my placenta was in distress and was about to erupt.
There I was, lying on the check-up room bed, having mentally prepared myself for a natural birth, and to bring my baby girl into this world my way, with my own plans, and in a split second that all changed. With that came a rush of anxiety, worry, and I was scared to death of what was about to happen.
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I couldn’t stop crying. I called my partner, who was busy getting us food for the evening just down the hall, and told him to get to me immediately. After telling him what was about to happen, he stood there, like a ghost, not knowing what to say. He saw me, he grabbed me and held me, and told me it was going to be alright. I called my mom, my comfort, and I told her too. She started crying and with joy in her voice, said she could not wait to meet her first grandchild.
I was still trying to fathom the fact that my entire world was about to change. Nothing in this world can prepare you to become a first-time parent. No matter how many people you speak to, no matter how many books or articles or videos you watch, nothing can prepare you.
I was rushed into surgery, and I was surrounded by strange people in an ice-cold room telling me what to do, and my partner and gynae were the only familiar faces. I was still crying, I was scared, I was anxious. I didn’t know how to feel or what to do.
A few moments later, after the strangest feeling of having her taken out of me, she was there, crying and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I wasn’t able to hold her properly yet. She was taken away and I was left to wait.
This made me feel even worse. She had been with me for nine months and then all of a sudden she was taken away from me, even though it would just be for a short while until I went down to my room.
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My daughter was here. Perfect and beautiful. My anxiety would not allow me to rest like I should, having her in my arms for the first time, I did not want to let her go. I put her on my breast for the first time to try and give my child some sustenance, but I wasn’t producing enough colostrum – I felt like the biggest failure in the world.
I couldn’t even give my child the one thing that my body was naturally meant to do. I’d failed. I felt like I wasn’t worthy. The next three days in hospital were like a slow torture. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t rest, and I was up every hour to go check on my baby.
I still wasn’t producing enough milk, and they wanted to give her formula, which I didn’t want to do. However, my baby needed to eat something so on the third day before leaving, I caved and I allowed her to get some formula.
The doctors had put me on medication to help me produce milk and improve my mood. I spoke to my doctor who, after analysis of my anxiety and depression, advised that I had post partum depression and that it is totally normal and that a lot of women go through the same thing. She told me that the milk production medication would help boost my mood as well but it didn’t.
Depressed? How could I possibly be depressed? The best thing in my life just happened. I needed to get home and get out of this place – I thought this would make everything better.
I got home but still was not able to rest. Is she sleeping okay? Is she breathing? Is she comfortable? Has she eaten enough? All these thoughts flooded my brain like I was drowning. And then my feelings started to shift. I missed having time alone with my partner. I missed us being able to have a meal together and watching our favourite shows. I missed all the things I was able to do before becoming a mother.
I know this makes me seem like a terrible person and an even worse mom, but I couldn’t help it. I wanted my life to go back to normal. I spoke to my friends who had babies and they all told me these feelings would pass, that it was totally normal to feel this way and that I shouldn’t worry.
How could I feel this way? She was beautiful, the most amazing gift life had ever given me and I didn’t appreciate her the way that I should have. I felt alone. I was surrounded by a loving family and a partner who told me constantly that I was doing a great job but I felt useless.
I went back to my doctor and told her that the milk production tablets weren’t helping my mood, I explained how I felt, and she prescribed antidepressants. The medication helped to a certain extent. However, what really got me through was speaking to my friends who went through the same thing, and the thing that made me feel much better was my baby’s first smile. She knew me, knew that I was her mom and she was happy. That was the best feeling in the world.
Things went a lot better from then on, I stopped the tablets on my own because I didn’t want to be reliant on them, my milk production stopped as soon as those tablets finished and I decided to put her on formula, which honestly saved a part of me. Even though my doctor advised me to see a psychologist, I chose not to and tried to get through things with my own support system.
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My daughter is almost seven months old now. She is beautiful, happy and the light of my life. Parenthood is no easy task and I hate myself some days for being the way I was, feeling what I felt. I really do wish I had known more about PPD, and had spoken to more people who went through what I did. I do believe that nothing can prepare you for it – or stop it from happening.
I want women to know they are not alone. I want them to know that going through this is more common than they think and that they should be able to share their stories and be able to feel normal.
Today I feel more confident and happier, I have my bad moments but I know that every mom does. I wouldn’t change having her for the world. Things now couldn’t be better, we are learning each other, we have an incredible bond and I am in no need of medications or treatments at all.
FAQs: Traumatic Birth Experience & Postnatal Depression
What is considered a traumatic birth?
A birth can be traumatic if it leaves a parent feeling frightened, helpless or out of control. This may include emergency interventions, loss of consciousness, excessive pain, or feeling ignored or dismissed by medical staff.
Can a traumatic birth lead to postnatal depression?
Yes. A difficult or traumatic birth experience can increase the risk of postnatal depression, anxiety, or even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These conditions are more common than many people realise and deserve proper support.
What are the signs of postnatal depression?
Signs may include:
- Persistent low mood or tearfulness
- Feelings of hopelessness or guilt
- Difficulty bonding with your baby
- Changes in sleep or appetite
- Anxiety, panic attacks, or feeling numb
If symptoms last more than two weeks, seek help from your GP or health visitor.
How soon after birth can postnatal depression develop?
Postnatal depression can appear any time within the first year after birth. It may begin immediately or weeks or months later, often building gradually.
Is it normal to relive my birth experience over and over?
Yes. Replaying a traumatic birth mentally is a common response. If it interferes with your sleep, relationships or ability to care for your baby, you may be experiencing birth-related PTSD and should speak to a professional.
What support is available for traumatic birth recovery?
You can access:
- Your GP or health visitor
- Therapists specialising in perinatal mental health
- Support groups
Talking about your experience can be an important step toward healing.
Will I feel this way forever?
No. With the right support and treatment, most parents recover from postnatal depression and birth trauma. Reaching out early often leads to better outcomes.
Can my partner experience postnatal depression too?
Yes. Partners and co-parents can also struggle with low mood, anxiety or trauma after a difficult birth or during the early months of parenting. Their wellbeing matters too.
Can I have a better experience with my next birth?
Many parents go on to have more positive, empowering births. You can request a birth debrief at your hospital, speak to a midwife about birth after trauma and create a clear, supported birth plan.
What should I do if I feel overwhelmed or disconnected from my baby?
This is more common than you think. You are not alone. Reach out to a healthcare professional as support is available, and recovery is possible with time, care, and guidance.
Is medication safe while breastfeeding?
In many cases, yes. There are antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications that are considered safe during breastfeeding. Always speak to your GP for individualised advice.
Is it a sign of weakness to ask for help?
Not at all. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not failure. You’re doing the best for yourself and your baby by reaching out when things don’t feel right.
Disclaimer: This information is for general emotional and mental health support and does not replace medical advice. If you are experiencing distress, thoughts of self-harm, or are concerned about your wellbeing, contact your GP, health visitor, or a mental health professional immediately. Support is available, and you do not have to face this alone.
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