Parenting through a divorce is one of the toughest challenges a parent can face. The emotional toll of ending a marriage can make it difficult to focus on the needs of your children. However, it’s crucial to remember that, no matter your marital status, you never stop being a parent. Written by Veerash Srikison, Advocate, Mediator And Director: Fair Practice.
Raising children is no easy task, especially when your support is fairly non-existent and you’re going through a separation or divorce.
My call of duty meant that I would be working with families through this difficult and trying journey, while watching the children being side-lined in the discussions.
Some people claim that children are resilient and therefore don’t need any attention, so over the years I’ve attended workshops/seminars and courses to understand parenting skills.
To this day my research continues in helping parents find a balance between being a responsible parent and being an overwhelmed parent during difficult days.
The first step is that you need to realise that your children have a voice and you need to take time to listen. The second step is that no matter their age, they still look to both of their parents for kindness, care and nurturing.
Lastly, you need to understand that you are the only ones who will protect their well-being, so they need you both to be on the same page when it comes to looking out for them.
“Don’t get distracted by the turmoil caused by the divorce or separation; let them know that you are still there for them.”
Here are some tips I have put together to help you cope when you find yourself in a relationship crisis (divorce or separation) and your children are caught in the middle:
- You could have had a rough day negotiating and meeting with lawyers but when you get home put on a smile and hold onto your child no matter their age. Even for a little while.
- Your children could have overheard an argument you had with their other parent and might feel anxious that they are at fault for all the hostility. Remind them that you both love them and will always take care of them. Then remind yourself to try and never have an argument in front of your children again.
- As much as it is difficult for you that your relationship is coming to an end, it is breaking their little hearts that their family as they know it is falling apart. Tell the other parent that your goal together will be to always protect their hearts during and after the separation or divorce.
- Say “I love you” to your child before they fall asleep. End the day reassuring them that you are still their mother/father and that they are loved.
- If your children are older (in their teen years, where any shift in normalcy will cause tension), find more days where you share laughter than when you have disagreements. Make a game out of it and keep count of the days e.g. Laughter 5 – Argument 1. Do not forget your responsibility to understand that they are entering their own relationships also and how you handle each day is a reflection on how they will handle their own breakups.
- Make time to listen to them, whether they want to talk about their day or even when they ask for your time to just catch up. Don’t get distracted by the turmoil caused by the divorce or separation; let them know that you are still there for them. Your child needs reassurance that indeed it will be over and you will all survive it. Failing to address the need for them to talk might cause you to overlook any underlying fears and concerns they might have.
- While communicating with your child, do not be negative. Speak to them about the future and make plans to do activities together. For instance, plan to go to a library and get a book that you read as a child for you to read to them; plan to go for ice cream, or plan how you can both tackle a difficult subject at school whether it be watching videos on the subject or reading up about it. Even if you sit with them for 20 minutes and watch their favourite TV show, just holding them will be time well spent for both of you.
ALSO READ: How to tell your children you are getting divorced
The content of this article is for information purposes only and is not legal advice. For more information on how to manage parenting while experiencing a divorce or separation contact info@fairpractice.co.za or go to www.fairpractice.co.za.
NEXT READ: 7 ways to co-parent harmoniously
BabyYumYum FAQ’s: Parenting Through a Divorce: You Never Stop Parenting No Matter Your Marital Status
How can parents maintain a sense of stability for their children during a divorce? Consistency is key. Keep routines as normal as possible, maintain regular schedules for meals, homework, and bedtime, and ensure both parents are involved in school activities and events.
What is the best way to communicate with children about the divorce? Be honest and age-appropriate. Explain the situation in simple terms, reassure them that they are not to blame, and emphasise that both parents love them and will continue to be involved in their lives.
How can parents co-parent effectively after a divorce? Effective co-parenting involves clear communication, setting boundaries, and being respectful. Use tools like shared calendars to keep track of schedules and ensure both parents are informed about the children’s activities and needs.
What are some strategies to help children cope with the emotional impact of a divorce? Encourage open communication, listen to their feelings, and validate their emotions. Consider seeking support from a child therapist if needed, and ensure they have time to spend with both parents and other supportive family members.
How can divorced parents handle disagreements about parenting? Focus on the child’s best interests, practice compromise, and consider mediation if disagreements persist. Keep conflicts away from the children and avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in front of them.
What should parents avoid doing during a divorce to protect their children’s wellbeing? Avoid using children as messengers, speaking ill of the other parent, or making them choose sides. Do not burden them with adult issues or rely on them for emotional support.
How can parents ensure they both stay involved in their children’s lives post-divorce? Create a co-parenting plan that outlines each parent’s responsibilities, visitation schedules, and how decisions about the children will be made. Regularly review and adjust the plan as needed.
What role can extended family play in supporting children through a divorce? Extended family can provide additional emotional support and stability. Encourage children to maintain relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
How should parents handle introducing new partners to their children? Introduce new partners gradually and only when the relationship is serious. Ensure the children have time to adjust and be clear that the new partner is not a replacement for the other parent.
What resources are available to help parents and children navigate divorce? Consider counselling for both parents and children, support groups, books on divorce for children, and community resources such as parenting classes or family mediation services.
How can parents take care of their own emotional wellbeing during a divorce? Prioritise self-care by seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and giving yourself time to process your emotions.
What should parents do if they notice their children struggling academically or socially after a divorce? Talk to their teachers and school counsellors, who can offer additional support and monitor their progress. Consider seeking help from a child therapist to address any underlying issues.
How can parents build a positive co-parenting relationship? Focus on effective communication, mutual respect, and the shared goal of supporting your children. Attend co-parenting counselling if needed to improve collaboration and conflict resolution skills.
What are some signs that a child might need professional help to cope with a divorce? Signs include significant changes in behaviour, mood, or academic performance, persistent sadness or anger, withdrawal from activities, or trouble sleeping and eating.
How can divorced parents ensure holidays and special occasions remain enjoyable for their children? Plan and communicate early to avoid conflicts, alternate holidays fairly, and be flexible. Prioritise the children’s happiness and consider celebrating some events together if possible and appropriate.
Are you parenting through a divorce? Leave your tips in comments below.
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