THE DISTURBING FACTS

I want to get straight into the topic of our kids and pornography in the digital age. As a mom of adolescent daughters, I realise now and hopefully not too late that I haven’t been as vigilant as I’d like to have been about my kids’ access to porn online.

It’s not to say I haven’t openly discussed sex and sexuality with them, because I have. I even discussed ad nauseum the scenario of stranger danger when they were little and sexual predators in their early teens. I talked to them openly and honestly about the way predators may operate online. I also spoke to them about the lovely act of having sex when they one day find themselves in a loving and consensual relationship. I believed I had done my job as any good parent would have.

But then while doing the research for an article I was writing about children and their first phone, I came across some rather disturbing facts about how early on our children were being exposed to explicit content online and how easy it was for them to come across it. This made me shudder as I wondered about my girls and how they might have stumbled across pornography in their most vulnerable years plus how easily this could have harmed their innocent view on life. Even more so, I realised they could have been viewing the worst kind of porn throughout their teen years. And that was most concerning.

I asked Mark Russell, a digital wellness consultant with Techbear Online (www.techbearonline.co.za), for his expert opinion on the subject and boy did I learn a lot of disturbing truths about our kids and the dangers of online pornography.

First off, according to Russell, the average age of first exposure to pornography in South Africa is believed to be 10 years old. “However, in conversation with parents and people in addiction recovery groups, I know of exposure being as young as 8 years old,” he says.

Secondly, he says, “If a parent is giving a child a device to use that is unprotected, then that is the time to have the conversation about pornography.” So, if your child is 8 and has free access to the internet, you had better be having the tough conversations. Russell’s advice is to begin with good pictures vs bad pictures for younger children. If your device is protected with blocks and filters, then the conversation can be delayed until your child is 10 or even 12 years old.

The problem is the digital age has made it extremely easy for anyone to access pornography and this puts kids and especially teens at a high risk of coming across it while they are online. They may find it even when not purposefully looking. “Many pornographic sites require no login or registration details and have a simple age verification process of ‘Click to enter if over 18’ or ‘Click to leave if under 18’, which is the lowest possible legal requirement by them. Anybody can access these sites if they have an internet connection and an unrestricted device,” says Russell.

The bottom line is, as parents, it has become crucial that we address the topic of pornography with our kids from a young age and the dangers it poses to them. We need to educate them when they are young so that by the time they are teens they have the resources and maturity to steer themselves through the murky waters of explicit content and avoid it where possible. It’s an uncomfortable subject to broach with them, but one that cannot wait once they have become internet savvy.

ALSO READ: Help! I caught my child watching porn – what should I do? Expert advice

HOW IS PORN IMPACTING OUR TEENS?

Regular exposure to pornography during adolescence can skew a young person’s understanding of sex, relationships, and consent. Teens are already in their most vulnerable stage of life and therefore may develop an unhealthy idea of sexuality. Research shows that overexposure to explicit content can lead to distorted views on intimacy, create unrealistic body expectations, and cultivate attitudes that normalise aggression or disrespect in relationships and non-consensual sex.

Beyond this, some teens form compulsive habits around the consumption of pornography, and this can eventually lead to anxiety, withdrawal, depression and even addiction. They find themselves needing more intense or explicit content and this then starts to interfere with their emotional development, academic performance, and social relationships.

Russell says, “When there is a preoccupation with spending time online, nervous behaviour, secrecy and isolation, increase in tiredness, loss of interest in other activities and an increase in sexualised comments and conversations, there may very well be a porn addiction developing.”

PUTTING PORN IN ITS PLACE

Perhaps one of the most important things us parents can do when tackling the porn issue with our teens is to not lecture them. Instead, we should engage them in a respectful age-appropriate conversation which should be ongoing throughout their teens. It begins with a home environment where they can raise inquisitive questions and real concerns without fear of judgment.

“I believe that stronger parenting is required whereby open and safe conversations around healthy sexuality is required and healthy relationships and building confidence within teens is promoted,” Russell states and adds that this must include parents putting healthy boundaries in place to protect their kids offline and online.

For parents who are hesitant to broach this uncomfortable subject, the consequences of ignoring it can be significant. Pornography doesn’t just disappear. It’s part of the digital landscape that teens regularly navigate. Avoiding the conversation can leave them with misconceptions, or worse, it can normalise harmful behaviours.

“With teens there is a far more intentional search for pornographic content which is being fuelled by social media and encouraged through mainstream media and some gaming,” says Russell.

Teens live on the social platforms and Russell says there is an increase in sexualised content that children have access to via social media. “Content producers use sexualised material to attract followers. The flood of this type of content then becomes normalised for teens who begin acting out both on and offline with what they have seen,” he explains and adds that most often the first step is through sexting on messaging apps such as WhatsApp, Telegram, KIK or Snapchat. He says sexting that goes viral is incredibly damaging to teens. “At Techbear, we have helped five different families whose teens shared sexualised content with a girlfriend, boyfriend or inadvertently with a syndicate who started extorting them.”

HOW WE CAN PROTECT OUR TEENS

While technology can feel like an overwhelming battleground, there are practical steps we parents can take to reduce our teens’ exposure to pornography without resorting to heavy-handed monitoring.

Put tech boundaries in place: Installing filters and parental controls is an important way to limit exposure, but it’s not foolproof. Devices should be used in communal spaces where supervision is possible, especially during late-night hours when teens are more likely to explore risky content.

“This boundary process can be overwhelming for parents and organisations like TechBear Online can help by equipping parents with the tools they need to protect their kids in a digital age as well as set them up and train parents how to use them,” says Russell.

Develop knowledge around Apps: Be aware of what apps they are using and what those apps are capable of. What are the privacy settings on the apps? What is the age recommendation for the app? Get to know it all.

Encourage digital literacy: Equip your teen with the ability to critically analyse the media they consume. Teaching them to question the messages they receive, including those about sex and relationships, empowers them to make more informed and safer decisions.

Regular check-ins: Conversations about pornography should never be a one-off. As your teen grows, their perspective evolves, and their digital habits shift. Regular discussions about online behaviour and healthy relationships can help your teen to navigate the constant stream of media they encounter.

“I believe the first tool of protection is having an open and safe relationship with your child. This means a relationship where any topic of conversation is welcome and that the ideas or values of the topic – rather than the child – is prosecuted, challenged and explored,” Russell advises.

Be a healthy role model of intimacy: Teens who are exposed to real-world examples of respectful relationships, through their parents or other adults, are better able to recognise when something isn’t right. The more teens see healthy, consensual interactions, the easier it is for them to reject harmful ones.

Provide alternative resources: Your teen may be uncomfortable talking to you directly about sex and pornography so make sure they have access to accurate, age-appropriate resources. These can come in the form of online platforms, books, and counselling services.

In the end, it’s our job as parents to offer our teens a safe, non-judgemental space to learn about sex and sexuality in a way that promotes respect and responsibility.