Can you talk to your partner about sex?

Your partner is someone with whom you have shared the most intimate and vulnerable sexual moments with. Yet, talking about sex has been found to be a struggle amongst many couples, often leading to misunderstandings, unmet needs, and even sexual dissatisfaction. Why is this?

• One of the primary reasons couples find it challenging to discuss sex is the cultural and societal taboos surrounding the topic. Sexuality is often considered a private matter, and discussing it openly is still considered taboo in many societies.
• This can create a sense of shame or embarrassment when it comes to talking about sexual desires or problems.
• Additionally, individuals may have grown up in environments where sex was a taboo topic, leading to ingrained beliefs that hinder open communication in their adult relationships. 
• Shame and fear of judgment or rejection is another common barrier to discussing sex in relationships. Partners may worry that their desires or fantasies are abnormal or that they will be judged for their sexual preferences. This fear can lead to a reluctance to initiate conversations about sex, resulting in unspoken needs and unfulfilled desires.
• Plus, people may fear that their partner will reject or criticise them if they express their sexual desires openly. This fear of rejection can create a cycle of silence and avoidance, further exacerbating the communication gap. 

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So, what can we do?

Knowledge and an understanding of sex allows an increase in confidence to talk about sex. Many individuals learnt about sex by acting it out with their own bodies, rather than communicating it with their partners through words.

Lack of knowledge or sexual education can also contribute to difficulties in discussing sex. Many people may not have received comprehensive sexual education, leaving them with limited knowledge about their own bodies, sexual health, and different aspects of sexuality.

This lack of knowledge can make it difficult to articulate their needs or understand their partner’s desires. Furthermore, misinformation or misconceptions about sex can lead to misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations, further hindering open communication. 

Past experiences of trauma or negative sexual encounters can significantly impact a person’s ability to discuss sex openly. Those who have experienced sexual abuse or trauma may develop a fear of intimacy or struggle with trust in sexual relationships.

These experiences can make it challenging to open up and discuss sensitive topics related to sex. In such cases, seeking professional help, such as therapy, can be crucial in addressing and overcoming these challenges. 

Improving communication about sex in a relationship requires both partners to be willing to engage in open and honest dialogue. Here are some practical strategies to facilitate better communication: 

1. Create a safe and non-judgmental space: Establishing trust and safety is paramount for open communication about sex. Create an environment where both partners feel comfortable expressing their desires, concerns, and boundaries without fear of judgment or rejection. 
2. Practice active listening: When discussing sex, it is essential to listen actively without interrupting or judging. Validate your partner’s feelings and experiences, and show empathy and understanding. 

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3. Use “I” statements: Instead of blaming or criticizing your partner, use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs. For example, say, “I feel more connected when we talk about our sexual desires” instead of “You never initiate conversations about sex.” 
4. Explore and educate together: Take the initiative to learn about sexuality together as a couple. Attend workshops, read books, or watch educational videos to expand your knowledge and understanding of different aspects of sex. This shared experience can open up conversations and create a sense of curiosity and exploration. 
5. Seek professional help if necessary: If communication about sex remains challenging despite your efforts, consider seeking the guidance of a professional therapist who specialises in sexual issues.

They can provide valuable insights, tools, and strategies to improve communication and address any underlying issues.

Couples who struggle to talk about sex face significant challenges in their relationship. However, by understanding the reasons behind this difficulty and implementing practical strategies for better communication, couples can foster a more open, intimate, and satisfying sexual relationship. Remember, open and honest communication about sex is a continuous process that requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to growth as individuals and as a couple.

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