What parents need to know about incel culture has become an urgent topic in today’s digital world. This toxic online subculture can influence vulnerable teens, often without parents even realising it. Understanding what incel culture is, how it spreads, and the risks it poses is key to protecting your child from harmful ideas. Here’s a simple guide for parents to recognise the signs and support their kids in navigating the online world safely.
What is “Incel Culture”?
“Incel” stands for “involuntarily celibate”, which, in teen speak, translates into (some) boy speak for a guy who is rejected by girls. But it doesn’t end there. What is implied is the belief that the “girl world” is to blame for the fact that incels are not popular with girls. We will say it again, at the core of incel culture is the belief that girls are to blame, not just for the incel’s lack of visibility with girls or sexual experience, but also for how these guys feel.
Some Incel “Truths”
- ‘Lookism’ – the belief that your looks, your body type, and your genes determine how successful you will be in life.
- ‘Hypergamy’ – the belief that 80% of girls will like, date and/or kiss (fill in the obvious rest) only 20% the so-called cool guys, the good-looking guys.
- The good-looking, well-built guys are referred to as ”CHAD” guys, while ”STACY” girls are seen as attractive, shallow and money-grabbing.
- It is not just girls who are to blame for how the incels feel, but successful guys are hated on too for being… well… successful.
No surprises then that the online world has created spaces for boys who feel hurt and rejected to feel ‘seen,’ ‘heard,’ and ‘understood.’ These online spaces become hiding places for our boys; echo chambers filled with anger, girl hate and a deep sense of resentment towards young girls, later, women, and more socially successful men.
Who is Who in the Incel Zoo?
Incels define themselves and others along a spectrum of ‘pills’:
- Blue pilled people – the average person who hasn’t yet seen the truth of how unfair the world is and how it really operates.
- Red pilled people who are starting to see how the world works – they are beginning to see that girls and women are not the ones having a hard time, it is boys and men who are really the oppressed part of the population.
- Black pilled people have seen the light – they know only conventionally attractive people will succeed, and for the rest, there are only two options – LDAR (lie down and rot) or turn to violence. When they resort to violence, they are praised for “going E.R.” In case you are wondering, “going E.R.” refers to the initials of Elliot Rodger, a man who wanted to punish women for rejecting him, and so he killed six of them and injured another four.
Why does this appeal to some of our younger boys?
Life from about the age of ten can, as we know, be a minefield of insecurity, rejection, confusion, and pressure. It is almost always a time of who is in, who is out, and who is hovering on the borders of ‘maybe I will like you, maybe I will accept you or maybe I will ghost you, dismiss you, shame you.” Some boys, especially those who feel isolated, socially awkward, anxious, or “invisible,” may stumble across incel content while looking for belonging or answers. When they are embraced by an online community, they feel relief, connected and understood.
The punchline: What starts as a search for connection in online spaces can spiral into an identity built around bitterness and blame.
What Incel Culture Teaches (and why it’s so dangerous)
- That girls only care about looks or status.
- Pretty girls are mean.
- Encounters with women are transactional – “I smiled at you, why don’t you want to have sex with me?”
- That some men are “doomed” to never be loved.
- That feminism is to blame for their suffering.
- That violence or revenge against girls (and cool guys) is justified.
- That asking for help is shameful.
Yes, it’s as dark as it sounds. But here’s the real kicker: sometimes these ideas show up subtly masked as dark humour, sarcasm, or “just memes.” They can seem edgy or ironic… until they’re not.
SO, WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?
1. Create space for honest conversations
You don’t need to sit your child down for a TED Talk on Incel ideology. What you can do is check in with your son (or daughter!) about their online experiences of it. Don’t go in all at once. Ask only one or two of these questions at dinner, in the car, while pushing the trolley at Checkers. It’s not a test, it’s a chat. Stay curious. If our t/weens sense our agenda, we will be met with eyerolls and monosyllabic
grunts.
What can I say?
- “Hey, I’ve been reading about these incels online. It seems pretty dark to me. Have you heard about them? I’d love to know what you think.”
- “So, this idea that girls are all just after ‘Chads’ and that guys are ‘doomed’ if they’re not good-looking… what do you make of that? Does the world ever feel like that to you?
- “Have you ever seen those ‘red pill’ or ‘black pill’ terms floating around? Do you know what they represent? My understanding is that black pillers are those who believe the world is very unfair for guys. Can you fill me in?
- “This idea of going E.R. is about guys who turn to violence because they feel rejected. Have you ever seen anyone online talking about that? It’s really disturbing.”
- “I know online spaces can be a place to vent, but some of this incel stuff feels to me like straight-up hate. What do you think about people blaming an entire group for their problems?”
- “Some of the incel humour seems to start just as memes, as ‘just jokes,’ right? But it gets really dark, and people seem to buy into the culture quite easily. Do you think it can mess with how guys see themselves and girls?”
2. Set tech boundaries that actually work
Digital life isn’t going away, but we CAN help our kids navigate it safely and put some boundaries in place, and this is a very overwhelming place for parents!
3. Delay smartphones until High School
Research shows that children are simply not psychologically or developmentally ready to have smartphones until at least high school. Waiting until high school significantly protects kids’ mental health and social development. Most parents we speak to tell us that the only reason they got their child a smartphone was because “my child was the only child in the class or grade without a phone.”
4. Speak to their strengths
Rather than coming in with fear and judgment, appeal to your teen’s sense of fairness, courage and self-respect.
You can say, “I know you’ve got a good radar for what’s real and what’s toxic — trust that.”
Or say, “I love that you choose online spaces where people feel good about each other.”
5. Look out for subtle shifts
If your child becomes unusually withdrawn, starts making bitter generalisations about girls, or becomes obsessed with “alpha or beta” hierarchy language, those are signs to gently dig deeper.
The Bottom Line
Your child doesn’t need to be “deep in incel culture” for this to matter. Just hearing this rhetoric once or twice, especially when they’re feeling vulnerable, can have an impact. Keep the chats alive, stay curious, and never underestimate the power of your calm, loving
presence in a world that can feel anything but that.
This article first appeared on the Klikd website.
BabyYumYum FAQ’s: What Parents need to know about INCEL CULTURE
Why should parents be concerned about incel culture?
Incel communities often target young men online by promoting toxic views about women and relationships. Exposure to these ideas can influence a child’s self-esteem, worldview, and behaviour.
Where do incel discussions typically take place?
These conversations happen mostly on anonymous forums, certain social media platforms, gaming chats, and message boards that are difficult for parents to monitor.
What are some warning signs that my child might be influenced by incel culture?
Watch for signs like hostility towards women, increased isolation, obsessive online activity, using terms like “femoids”, “Chads”, or “Stacys”, or expressing resentment about relationships.
Is incel culture linked to violence?
Unfortunately, yes. While most who engage with incel content do not act violently, some incel-motivated attacks have occurred. The culture can glorify violence and reinforce dangerous ideas.
How can I talk to my child about these issues?
Have open, non-judgmental conversations about online influences, gender respect, and healthy relationships. Encourage critical thinking and emotional awareness.
How can I monitor my child’s online activity without invading their privacy?
Build trust and maintain open dialogue about internet safety. Encourage them to come to you with questions or concerns, and keep an eye on the platforms and communities they engage with.
What should I do if I think my child is involved in incel culture?
Respond calmly. Start a conversation to understand what they’ve been exposed to, seek professional guidance if needed, and provide them with healthier sources of support and information.
Can schools help prevent exposure to toxic online cultures?
Yes. Schools that promote digital literacy, gender respect, and emotional well-being can help children build resilience against harmful online content.
How can I help my child develop healthy attitudes towards relationships?
Model respectful relationships at home, talk openly about feelings and boundaries, and encourage empathy and kindness towards others of all genders.
Are boys the only ones at risk?
While incel culture mainly recruits boys, all children and teens are vulnerable to toxic online content. Teaching critical thinking and respect for diversity protects everyone.
Where can I get help if I’m concerned?
Speak to your child’s school, a trusted GP, or a child psychologist. Organisations that support families with online safety and mental health can also offer valuable resources.
Disclaimer: This information is for general guidance and does not replace professional advice. If you’re concerned about your child’s well-being or exposure to online harm, please consult a qualified mental health or safeguarding professional.
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