For many moms and dads, the default response to challenges is to push harder and do more. But when it comes to parenting stress, that mindset often makes things worse. Real relief comes from shifting the focus - less self-reliance, more shared care. By leaning on partners, family or community networks, parents can ease the pressure and rediscover joy in daily life. Written by Elizabeth Sharda, Hope College.
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I wrap up my workday and head for home, making a quick stop to grab the supplies my sixth grader needs for a project due this week and some ingredients for a quick dinner.
Once home, I check the sixth grader’s school website and discover a missing assignment. Bringing this up sparks a minor meltdown. I summon the emotional energy to help her calm down and problem-solve. My husband arrives home with our high schooler, who’s discouraged by something that happened at soccer practice. We’ll have to process that later.
Around the dinner table, we realize that both kids have sports practices Thursday, on opposite ends of town, at the same time as a mandatory parent meeting at school. And now I’m ready for my own meltdown.
On this particular evening, my family wasn’t navigating anything unique or especially catastrophic. Scenes like this play out nightly in homes across the United States. In fact, my family’s circumstances offer the protections of multiple forms of privilege. Certainly others have more difficult circumstances.
Why is it still so hard?
For a long time, I felt ashamed for being overwhelmed by parenthood. How do others seem to have it all together? Of course, the highlight reel of social media only fueled this comparison game. I often felt that I was falling short, missing some hack that others had found for not feeling constantly exhausted.
Abraham Gonzalez Fernandez/Moment via Getty Images
The reality is I’m far from alone in experiencing what social scientists term parenting stress. Defined as the negative psychological reaction to a mismatch between the demands of parenting and the resources available, parenting stress has become increasingly prevalent over the past five decades. In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, nearly half of all parents in the U.S. said their stress was completely overwhelming on most days.
Stress like this has an impact: Parents who experience high levels of parenting stress have decreased mental health and feel less close with their children.
I began researching parental stress and well-being when, several years after becoming a parent, I left my job as a social worker and entered a Ph.D. program. Through this process, I learned something that changed my perspective entirely: Parents today experience such high levels of stress because people have never traditionally raised children in isolation. And yet, we are more isolated than ever.
It clicked: Parents don’t need to do more or try harder. We need connection. We don’t need more social media posts on the “top three ways to keep your family organized.” We need a paradigm shift.
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The myth of family self-reliance
Throughout human history, people primarily lived in multigenerational, multifamily arrangements. Out of necessity, our hunter-gatherer ancestors relied upon their clan-mates to help meet the needs of their families, including child-rearing. Research over time and across cultures suggests that parents are psychologically primed to raise children in community – not in isolated nuclear family units.
Anthropologists use the term alloparents – derived from the Greek “allo,” meaning “other” – to describe nonparent adults who provide care alongside that provided by parents.
Research suggests that alloparenting contributes to child well-being and even child survival in populations with high rates of child mortality. A 2021 study of a present-day foraging population in the Philippines found that alloparents provided an astounding three-quarters of the care for infants and an even greater proportion of the care for children ages 2 to 6.
In contrast, the ideal of the nuclear family is incredibly recent. It developed with industrialization, peaking in the 1950s and 1960s. Despite the significant changes in family structure – such as an increase in single-parent households – since that period, the paragon of the self-reliant nuclear family persists.
And yet, support from others is a key factor in family resilience. The familiar adage “It takes a village to raise a child” is, in fact, bolstered by social support research among parents in general, as well as those of children with special needs.
Parenting with collective care
Social support, while often viewed as a singular phenomenon, is actually a constellation of actions, each with its own unique function. Social scientists specify at least three types of support:
- Tangible: Material or financial resources or assistance
- Emotional: Expressions of care, empathy and love
- Informational: Provision of information, advice or guidance
Different parenting challenges call for different types of support. When my husband and I realized we had three commitments in a single evening, we didn’t need advice on managing our family’s calendar; we needed someone to take our kid to practice – that’s tangible support. When my tween was blowing up over homework, I didn’t need someone to bring us dinner; I needed to remember what I learned from a book on parenting adolescent girls – that’s informational support.
To move away from the myth of family self-reliance and back toward an ideal of collective care would take a paradigm shift, requiring intervention at every level, from federal to state to family. A 2024 Surgeon General’s Advisory on parenting stress called it an urgent public health issue and provided recommendations for government leaders, service systems and communities. Systemic strategies like providing access to high-quality mental health care, expanding programs like Head Start that support parents and caregivers, and investing in social infrastructure like public libraries and parks could all help reduce parenting stress in the U.S.
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Personal steps toward a paradigm shift
Parenting stress is not a problem that can be solved solely by the individuals experiencing it. But here are five ways you can start making the shift toward collective care in your own life:
- Take stock of your network. Assess not only in terms of the number of supporters, but what types of support they offer. Do you have plenty of people to talk to, but no one who would bring you a meal or give your kid a ride? Identify gaps and consider ways to round out your “village.”
- Start small. Introduce yourself to your retired neighbor. Sit next to another parent at your kid’s sporting event. Talk to the babysitter you regularly see at the playground. Supportive relationships don’t just happen; they are grown.
- Offer help to others. While it seems counterintuitive, people who give support to others experience greater well-being and even longevity compared with those who don’t. Helping others also creates the opportunity for reciprocity. Those you support may be more likely to return the favor in the future.
- Normalize asking for help and taking it when offered. For many people, asking for support is hard. It requires dropping the facade and letting people in on your struggles. However, people are often more willing to help than you might assume. Further, allowing others to help you gives them permission to voice their own needs in the future.
- Consider your caregiving expectations. The way others care for your children may not mirror your way entirely. Consider what are nonnegotiable practices for your family – such as limits on screen time – and what is worth loosening up on – like veggies at every meal – if it means you have more alloparents helping you out.
None of these suggestions are easy. They take time, vulnerability and courage. In our society of rugged individualism and nuclear family self-reliance, parenting through a lens of collective care is downright countercultural. But perhaps it’s closer to how we, as humans, have raised children throughout the millennia.
Elizabeth Sharda, Associate Professor of Social Work, Hope College
This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.
FAQ’s: Why Sharing Care Is the Key to Managing Parenting Stress
What does “sharing care” mean in parenting?
Sharing care means dividing parenting responsibilities more equally between partners, or with trusted family and support systems. It acknowledges that both parents, or caregivers, contribute to raising a child, rather than the responsibility falling mostly on one person.
How does sharing care reduce parenting stress?
When care is shared, no single parent feels overwhelmed. Splitting tasks like feeding, bedtime routines, school runs or household chores lightens the load, allowing parents to rest, recharge and feel supported.
Why do many parents feel stressed when care isn’t shared?
Unequal care often leaves one parent (most often mothers) burnt out, resentful, and exhausted. Without shared responsibilities, it becomes harder to balance work, parenting and personal wellbeing.
Is sharing care just about housework and childcare?
No. Sharing care also includes emotional support, decision-making, and showing appreciation for each other’s efforts. It’s about teamwork, not just dividing chores.
What role can fathers play in sharing care?
Fathers can take on an equal share of day-to-day parenting, including night feeds, nappy changes, attending school events and comforting the child. When dads are actively involved, it benefits the whole family.
Does sharing care benefit children too?
Yes. Children with parents who share care grow up seeing teamwork, balance and respect. They also form strong bonds with both parents and feel more secure.
How can couples start sharing care more equally?
- Talk openly about responsibilities and expectations
- Create a care routine or schedule
- Be flexible and willing to adjust as needs change
- Recognise and appreciate each other’s contributions
What if one parent works longer hours?
Sharing care doesn’t always mean splitting tasks 50/50. It’s about finding balance. For example, one parent might handle mornings while the other manages evenings, depending on work schedules.
Can single parents also benefit from shared care?
Yes. For single parents, sharing care might involve family members, friends or trusted caregivers. Building a reliable support network helps prevent isolation and burnout.
What barriers prevent parents from sharing care?
Cultural expectations, traditional gender roles, or lack of workplace flexibility often prevent equal sharing. Open conversations, supportive policies and shifting mindsets can help overcome these barriers.
How does sharing care impact mental health?
When care is shared, parents report less stress, reduced anxiety and fewer feelings of resentment. It allows time for self-care, which is essential for good mental health.
Is sharing care possible in South Africa’s context?
Yes, though challenges exist. Many South African households rely on extended family, domestic workers or community support. Fathers taking a more active role, along with workplace policies like parental leave, can make shared care more achievable.
Disclaimer: This information is intended for general parenting support and does not replace professional mental health or family counselling advice. If parenting stress feels overwhelming, please seek help from a healthcare professional or counsellor.
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