I was 30 at the time.
I had a great career, was newly married and life was just perfect.
My husband and I decided a year into our marriage that it was time to start a family and I was excited.
I really wanted to be a mom.
In August I found out I was five weeks’ pregnant. I couldn’t contain my excitement and told my mum the wonderful news – it never occurred to me that I should wait a while.
Two days later, I experienced terrible cramping and it appeared that I had also contracted an infection.
The doctor warned me that this wasn’t good for my pregnancy, and the following day I had a miscarriage. I was saddened by the loss of my embryo (I call it this because it was so tiny).
No one truly understands the pain of losing something so valuable unless they have suffered it too. Many people tried to comfort me by saying I could get pregnant again, but there is never a guarantee.
I felt empty, and while my husband tried his best to console me, he just didn’t understand.
In October, I found myself five weeks’ pregnant again. I was scared, anxious and nervous, and I had reason to be.
A few days later, I felt the same pain and I just knew.
But this time I was prepared for it.
When got home, I cleaned myself and told my husband, “Don’t worry love, I’m alright.
It’s happening again. I am having another miscarriage.”
“I find myself staring at him each day knowing that we were given a third chance at parenthood.”
This time the pain was easier to deal with.
The gynaecologist told me that he couldn’t understand why I was miscarrying for a second time when I was healthy and everything looked good on paper.
I blamed stress – I think the desperation of wanting a baby led to so much anxiety.
I was fragile and emotionally drained yet I went about life as if nothing had happened, without realising that losing something so precious is not easy to just brush off. It takes time to heal.
However, eventually we forgot all about it and life went on.
By that time, I was terrified at the prospect of motherhood.
I knew it held so much uncertainty and that everything could change in a single moment. Even worse, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to fall pregnant again.
It took time to build up my courage and regain my confidence.
The most emotional part of it all, was that I wasn’t sure if I would be a mother again.
It took time to build up the courage again, and to regain my confidence and trust that life would be given when it should.
Today I have the most precious gift. My son was conceived three weeks after my miscarriage last October.
He was healthy, a bit stubborn but perfect. I find myself staring at him each day, knowing that we were given a third chance at parenthood.
I am so grateful because I know there are many women who struggle on a daily basis to have children of their own.
Motherhood isn’t easy.
Sometimes it requires the worst kind of sacrifice, but it is definitely worth it!
Written by Haarisha Hoffman
Also read:
The dos & don’t of supporting women after a miscarriage
Supporting bereaved parents through stillbirth & pregnancy loss
