Is Your Child Witnessing Violence Without You Knowing?

Violence against children does not always look like bruises or broken objects. Sometimes it is quiet, invisible and wrapped inside a child’s silence. The South African Child Gauge 2025 highlights a critical warning for parents: children are often exposed to violence without adults realising it, and many cases remain unreported or hidden.

According to the report, children’s experiences of violence are frequently missed because adults rely on proxy reporting. But adults who commit or witness violence are “less willing to report it,” which means a child’s reality often disappears from official statistics and household conversations.

This creates a dangerous gap between what children live through and what adults believe is happening.

Exposure to violence is not limited to physical harm. It includes emotional aggression, shouting, threats, intimidation, online harassment, bullying and even constant tension between adults. Children can absorb these experiences even when they appear to be playing quietly in another room.

This article helps parents understand the forms of violence children may witness, why they often hide it, the subtle signs families overlook and what the Child Gauge reveals about the hidden exposures affecting millions of South African children.

Why Children Don’t Tell Adults About the Violence They See

Children often stay silent even when they are scared, confused or overwhelmed. According to the Child Gauge, a large portion of children’s exposure to violence goes unreported because they do not disclose their experiences, and adults cannot accurately represent them. There are several reasons for this silence.

Children worry they will make things worse

A child may fear that telling someone will cause more conflict at home.

They love the people involved

Children struggle to speak up when the person causing harm is a parent or caregiver.

They blame themselves

Especially younger children, who often think conflict is their fault.

They do not have the language

Many children cannot describe what they see or feel.

They are used to it

In households where shouting, chaos or instability is normal, children may not recognise it as violence.

They fear separation

Children may worry that telling someone will break the family apart. 

Understanding the silence helps parents recognise why it is essential to notice signs even when a child does not speak up.

Forms of Violence Children May Witness Without Adults Realising

Exposure to violence does not only involve severe incidents. The Child Gauge makes clear that children experience violence “across homes, schools and communities” and often in ways that adults underestimate or overlook.

Children may be silently witnessing:

• shouting, insults or emotional aggression between adults
• physical fights between caregivers
• psychological intimidation
• silent treatment that creates tension
• threats, slammed doors or emotional withdrawal
• parents breaking down emotionally
• community violence they overhear or see outside
• school bullying
• online harassment or violent content on devices
• violence toward siblings or relatives
• racist, sexist or homophobic aggression in their environment

Children absorb the emotional climate of their home and surroundings, even when adults believe they are unaware.

How Hidden Violence Affects Children

When children witness violence, their bodies react as though they are in danger. Their stress systems activate, releasing cortisol and adrenaline. Repeated exposure can rewire brain development, emotional regulation and long-term wellbeing.

Behavioural effects

• aggression
• withdrawal
• clinginess
• defiance
• sudden mood changes
• tantrums beyond the typical developmental stage

Emotional effects

• anxiety
• fear of separation
• extreme sensitivity to tone of voice
• guilt
• anger

Physical effects

• sleep problems
• stomach aches
• headaches
• changes in appetite

Cognitive effects

• difficulty concentrating
• forgetfulness
• learning challenges

Long-term outcomes

The Child Gauge draws on evidence that early exposure to violence contributes to emotional and behavioural problems later in life, affecting learning, relationships and vulnerability to future harm.

Hidden violence is not harmless. It reshapes the way children see the world and how they understand relationships.

How Common Is Hidden Exposure? What the Child Gauge Reveals

The Child Gauge explains that measuring children’s exposure to violence is extremely difficult because most official data relies on adults reporting what happened. But adults often under-report violence due to shame, fear of consequences or normalisation of harmful behaviour.

The report states clearly that because proxy reporting by adults is unreliable, “children’s experiences through exposure are not well captured” in national surveys.

This does not mean children are safe. It means the system does not see all the harm.

Other evidence in the report shows:

• violence happens across multiple environments: home, school, online and community
• teachers, peers and caregivers are all potential perpetrators
• a single-child-survey dataset does not exist, making exposure harder to track
• school violence and online violence are rising concerns
• community violence remains widespread in many South African neighbourhoods

Children’s lives contain layers of exposure that adults often underestimate.

Signs Your Child May Be Witnessing Violence Without You Knowing

Children rarely say: “I’m scared” or “I heard you fighting”. They show it through behaviour, physical symptoms and emotional changes.

Parents should watch for:

Sudden changes in behaviour

If a child becomes unusually aggressive, clingy or quiet, it may signal stress.

Sleeping difficulties

Nightmares, insomnia or fear of sleeping alone are common signs.

Regression

Bedwetting, baby talk and separation anxiety may return.

Fear of certain situations

A child may avoid specific rooms, people or times of day.

Hypervigilance

Jumping at loud noises, being overly alert or watching adults anxiously.

Physical complaints

Headaches, tummy aches or unexplained nausea.

School problems

Difficulty concentrating, irritability or sudden drops in performance.

Withdrawn or overly compliant behaviour

A traumatised child may try to become “invisible” to avoid conflict.

Aggressive play

Children often replay violence during pretend play as a way of processing it.

These signs do not always mean violence is present, but they are important clues that something is affecting the child.

Online Violence: The New Hidden Threat

The Child Gauge includes technology-facilitated violence as part of the broader picture of harm affecting children today. Online violence can be silent, private and extremely harmful.

Children may be exposed to:

• cyberbullying
• graphic violent videos
• threatening messages
• pornography
• online grooming
• violent gaming environments

The problem is that parents often assume children’s online activity is harmless. But digital exposure can trigger real fear, confusion or emotional distress that children do not disclose.

The National School Violence Study data referenced in the Child Gauge includes both offline and online forms of violence, showing how children face harm across digital and physical spaces.

ALSO READ: What you should know about cyberbullying

Why Parents Often Miss the Signs

Even loving, attentive parents may not realise what their children are witnessing. Violence often happens in moments of high stress when adults are not thinking clearly about who is watching or listening.

Parents may miss exposure because:

• children appear to be busy with toys or screens
• they assume children are asleep
• they believe children do not understand adult conflict
• they underestimate the child’s sensitivity to tone and atmosphere
• some adults grew up with similar patterns and see them as normal
• stress makes parents overlook subtle behavioural changes
• violence happening outside the home is less visible

Ignoring is not the same as protection. Children absorb more than adults expect.

How Exposure to Violence Shapes Children’s Worldview

Children who witness violence develop coping mechanisms to survive emotionally. Unfortunately, many of these strategies are harmful in the long term.

They may learn that:

• conflict is solved through aggression
• relationships are unpredictable
• people cannot be trusted
• feelings are dangerous
• silence is safer than honesty
• vulnerability leads to pain
• their voice does not matter

Over time, these beliefs shape the child’s identity, friendships and future relationships.

Some children become withdrawn. Others become reactive. Some become overly responsible for others’ emotions. Others feel constantly unsafe.

Intervene early, and the trajectory changes. Leave it unaddressed, and the effects may last for years.

How to Support a Child Who May Be Witnessing Violence

Parents can take transformative steps to protect and support their children, even when life is stressful.

1. Talk to your child gently

Use open questions like:
“Has anything been worrying you lately?”
“Do you ever feel scared when adults argue?”
“Is there anything you want to talk about?”

2. Create a calmer home environment

Small changes, such as lowering your voice or stepping outside before arguing, protect children enormously.

3. Reassure them

Tell them:
“You are safe.”
“What you feel matters.”
“It is not your fault.”

4. Reduce their exposure

Avoid arguing in earshot. If conflict escalates unexpectedly, move to a private room.

5. Strengthen daily routines

Predictability builds emotional safety for children.

6. Provide emotional naming tools

Books, storytelling and drawing help children express feelings.

7. Seek help if needed

Therapists, counsellors, family support programmes and helplines can make an enormous difference.

8. Model healthy conflict resolution

When children see adults disagree respectfully, they learn safety and emotional regulation.

What Parents Can Do to Prevent Hidden Exposure

Prevention is more powerful than repair. Here are daily steps that help children feel safe:

• maintain calm tones
• prioritise bonding activities
• establish stable routines
• reduce screen exposure to harmful content
• keep adult conversations private
• monitor digital devices carefully
• check in with children emotionally
• seek help for parental stress or mental health challenges

Small steps add up to create a safer emotional world for children.

Final Thoughts

Many children witness violence silently, carrying invisible emotional burdens. The Child Gauge 2025 makes it clear that exposure is often hidden, underreported and underestimated. But parents can change this narrative. By paying attention to subtle signs, creating emotionally safe environments and seeking support early, families can protect their children’s wellbeing and break patterns that might otherwise last a lifetime. Children do not need perfect homes. They need safe ones. Homes where adults are willing to notice, listen, grow and change.

SOURCE: South African Child Gauge 2025 – Intersections of violence against women and children: Disrupting intergenerational harm