How to self-regulate and be a better parent

Sometimes our children’s behaviour can be irritating and frustrating- they know how to push our buttons! And, if you’re tired and stressed, your tolerance might be low. It’s easy to lose it in such situations.  Young children do not have the ability to regulate their emotions and when their feelings are big, chaotic, and messy, we need to help co-regulate them.

Children need to witness and feel our mature self-regulation skills and nervous system to help regulate theirs. Young children absorb our energy and emotions, reflecting them back to us If we can’t regulate ourselves, we can’t help our children regulate.

At times like this the most important thing you can do as a parent is regulate your own emotions so you can show up in a calm, well-regulated state to support your baby or toddler. We do our best parenting when we respond rather than react.  It’s challenging but is a necessary tool for all parents to learn and practice.

Dr. Laura Markham, the founder of Peaceful Parenting offers a framework you can use when you are struggling to regulate whether it’s food fights, bedtime battles or toddler tantrums.  

Start off by:

• Recognising that in every situation you have three options: approach, avoidance and attack. While it may feel as though your choice of behaviour is out of your control, it’s not.
• Become aware of your emotions. Do you feel like running away from a difficult situation? Do you feel like lashing out in anger at someone who has hurt you?
• Monitor your body to get clues about how you are feeling if it is not immediately obvious to you. For example, a rapidly increasing heart rate may be a sign that you are entering a state of rage or even experiencing a panic attack.

5 steps to self-regulation

1. Stop, drop and breathe

Remember this important mantra. Simply stop what you are doing or saying. Then, drop your agenda. Finally, breathe. Take at least 3 deep breaths in and out through your nose, hold and then exhale out slowly through your mouth. Make sure to exhale all the air out completely. Try and do a breath count of 4, 4 and 4 at least 3 times to reset your nervous system.

Doing this will instantly make you feel calmer and more balanced.

2. Notice your senses

Focus  intently either on something you can touch, see, feel, hear or taste. This brings your conscious awareness to the present moment and makes it less likely that those sensations will overwhelm leading to a blow up.

This mindfulness exercise brings you into the moment, stimulates perspective and the big picture making sure that you operate from a more centred place.

3. Create compassion

Talk to yourself as you would a best friend, with self-compassion. Mantras or affirmations can helpful. Here are some good examples:

• “this is not an emergency“
• They are having a hard time”
• “I am enough”
• “ I can do hard things.”

4. Calm your body

Engaging the Vagus nerve instantly puts you into a relaxed state. There are many simple strategies you can use.

• Rub ice on your face or splash your face with very cold water
• Hum loudly for at least 1 minute or sing something soothing
• Give yourself a butterfly hug- cross your arms over the your chest and tap both shoulders lightly 20 times.
• Try a natural supplement like Calmettes to help the relaxation process.
• Walk outside, leave the room and change your location.

5. Shift your perspective

Try and see things from your child’s perspective. Being able to see both sides of the situation, yours and your child’s, will help you extend empathy and compassion to you both. 

Often, now you can move forward by soothing your baby or reconnecting with your toddler. If you have a child old enough and it makes sense,  you can also suggest a do over.

However, if you are still too dysregulated to move forward, find a way to take a break. If it’s a toddler, wait until you are calm later to address any limit setting or discuss what happened. Acting from a place of anger and upset will usually not go in the most peaceful, supportive way.

This could mean stepping away and taking space while you continue to regulate yourself. Perhaps this entails putting baby down in a safe space, handing them to another caregiver if one is around, or maybe take a stroller walk.

Start to restore balance by focusing on your deeply held values, rather than those transient emotions. Look beyond momentary discomfort to the larger picture.

Reference: Calmettes PI