In a culture flooded with parenting hacks and quick-fix advice, it’s easy to forget that the most meaningful shifts in family life often begin within. That’s the premise explored by psychoanalyst and author Andy Cohen in her book Parenting Psychoanalysed, a collection of letters that doesn’t hand out instructions, but instead invites reflection. This idea also anchors her recent conversation with Amanda Rogaly, CEO and founder of BabyYumYum, where Cohen draws on her clinical work and personal experience as a mother of two to unpack the emotional undercurrents that shape the way we parent.

“Much of what drives our parenting comes from places we can’t easily see. The parts of ourselves we buried as children still live inside us. When we parent, those parts get stirred up again,” Cohen tells Rogaly. 

Cohen’s approach is rooted in psychoanalysis, a discipline that listens not just to what we say, but to what we feel and repeat; often without knowing why. As she explains to Rogaly: “Psychoanalysis traces patterns to their hidden roots: the unconscious terrain shaped in infancy and early childhood that still hums inside our adult lives.”

Who Is Andy Cohen and Why Her Work Matters

Cohen works closely with mothers, fathers, young adults and older clients. Her stance is practical and deeply human: “If you feel stuck with a child, a partner or even yourself, I help you sit with that stuckness, make sense of it and begin to move with greater freedom.”

Rogaly was drawn to Cohen’s ability to name what many parents feel but struggle to articulate. Their conversation unfolded not as a lecture, but as a shared inquiry into how our past quietly shapes our present.

The Way We Parent: Beneath the Surface

Most therapies address the conscious mind. Psychoanalysis, Cohen explains, listens for what sits underneath. She further explains that early experiences don’t disappear, they settle in our inner architecture and influence how we love, soothe, argue and set limits.

Freud may have coined the term “unconscious” over a century ago, but Cohen points out that his vocabulary still saturates culture: “Words like projection, narcissism and triggered are everywhere, from billboards to boardrooms. Advertising schools teach this material because it explains how people actually decide.”

In a world that wants fast solutions, psychoanalysis asks for time. “Not forever. Just long enough to hear what your history is trying to say,” Cohen clarifies.

‘Parenting Psychoanalysed’: A Book That Reflects the Way We Parent

Cohen’s book, Parenting Psychoanalysed, is a collection of letters written by psychoanalysts from around the world. Each one is addressed to “Dear Parent” and speaks directly to common struggles, such as frustration, guilt, anxiety and shame, but in a way that feels comforting rather than critical.

“The goal was to help parents reflect on their own stories instead of focusing on how to ‘fix’ their children. We already feel guilty enough. The idea is to understand, not to judge,” Cohen tells Rogaly. 

Rogaly notes how the book avoids the tone of many parenting manuals. There are no wagging fingers, no secret club, just honest minds in conversation with honest parents. “The letters are short and readable,” Cohen says. “They describe a real struggle, then show how thinking more deeply softened it or at least made it livable.”

Projection and the Way We Parent

One of the key ideas in Cohen’s work is that our children often mirror the unresolved parts of ourselves. “Projection starts in the nursery. A baby cries, and your nervous system lights up. The baby’s panic lands in your body and compels you to act. That’s healthy. We remain relational creatures,” she says.

However, problems arise when we try to resolve old hurts through our children. Cohen shares that we see our younger selves in their faces and attempt repairs through their choices. She adds that it’s useful in small doses, but confusing when it takes over, as your child is not your mirror, but a person with a mind of their own.

Curiosity Over Criticism: A New Parenting Lens

Cohen’s core invitation is simple: get curious about the moments that snag you. “The repeated arguments over shoes. The surge of irritation when your child needs you at the worst time. The sharp shame after shouting. Instead of declaring yourself a bad parent, treat each flash as a clue,” she says.

Rogaly reflects on how this approach shifts the parenting narrative: “It’s not about perfection. It’s about connection and curiosity.”

“When you can name the feeling without attacking yourself, you create room to respond instead of react,” Cohen adds.

Guilt, Shame and the Way We Parent Ourselves

Parent guilt is almost structural. Even well-meaning advice can intensify shame by implying there’s one right way—and you missed it. Cohen’s book counters this with warmth. “The writers don’t scold,” she tells Rogaly. “They keep company. They let you feel seen, which reduces the static and makes change possible.”

The Nested Self: Parenting Through Layers

Cohen uses a vivid image to describe the inner world of parents: “We’re all layered like nesting dolls. The baby, the child, the teenager; they all still live inside us. When we make peace with those parts, we become calmer, more understanding parents.”

These layers still speak, sometimes by hijacking a present moment. “When you notice which younger self is barking orders, you can care for that part rather than letting it drive the car. The outcome is space… for you to be a parent with perspective and for your child to be a child, not a project,” she says.

Behind the Scenes: A Letter That Hit Too Close to Home

While compiling the letters for Parenting Psychoanalysed, Cohen received one that felt impossible to edit. “Dense. Confusing. Off-key,” she recalls. She says she set it aside, did her own reflective work, returned months later, and the letter read beautifully.

“The barrier wasn’t the writer’s English,” she tells Rogaly. “It was my own unacknowledged guilt as a mother. Once I faced that feeling, the text made sense.”

This moment reminded her of the power of self-awareness and how difficult it is to confront our hidden emotions. “What we cannot digest, we often label as nonsense. When we metabolise our own feelings, meaning returns,” Cohen states.

Is It Too Late to Change the Way We Parent?

“No,” Cohen says firmly. “It’s never too late. The past is not a prison. Awareness shifts how you hold your child today, which reshapes tomorrow.”

Rogaly agrees: “If your child is small, great. If your child is taller than you, fine. Curiosity is available at any age.”

A Practical Way to Begin

Cohen offers a simple framework for parents who want to begin this work:

• Notice the prickly moments
  Pick one pattern that keeps repeating. Write a few lines about what happens in your body just before you react—heat in the chest, tight jaw, racing thoughts.

• Name the older feeling
  Ask which younger you this reminds you of. The child who felt ignored. The teen who feared being needy. Be plain, not performative.

• Try a small different act
  Pause for one breath. Say out loud what you feel. Whisper a sentence that de-shames the moment. For example, “I am overwhelmed and I still love you.” Then make the next small, sensible move.

• Choose companionship
  A trusted friend, a reading group or a therapist who thinks psychodynamically can help you keep going. Advice is fine. Understanding sustains.

“You are not only an adult walking around in an adult suit; you are a layered being. When parents stop pretending to be finished products, children relax. They learn that being human is not a defect—it’s the material of life,” Cohen says.

What Parents Often Ask About the Way We Parent

• Should I have started therapy before having kids?
  Earlier might be easier, yet now is still useful. The work you do today trims the emotional thorns from tomorrow’s path.

• What if I do harm?
  All parents misstep. The aim is not perfection. The aim is to repair. When you lose your temper, notice it, name it and apologise in age-appropriate language. That teaches resilience and relationship.

• Is psychoanalysis too slow for real life?
  Unhurried does not mean unhelpful. Deep change pays compound interest. You spend less time firefighting because the fires ignite less often.

Where to Find the Book and Learn More

Parenting Psychoanalysed is available at Exclusive Books Bedfordview and Hyde Park, and directly through Routledge online with courier delivery to South Africa. To learn more about Andy Cohen’s work or to make contact, visit andycohenpsych.com. She also shares updates on LinkedIn and Instagram as @psychoanalyzed_.

Final Reflections on the Way We Parent

“Parenting is not a performance,” Cohen tells Rogaly. “It’s a relationship between two evolving people: one big and one small. As we grow kinder toward our own early selves, our homes become friendlier places. We gain room to think. Our children gain room to be.”
That, she says, is the quiet revolution at the centre of Parenting Psychoanalysed. It is not a glittering fix, but a sturdier freedom.

Watch the full interview in the YouTube video below.